I've always found it weird how in hindsight, your perspective on situations can alter so dramatically...like, you can never judge what's happened until you're able to step back and see it after having been removed from it...

I was talking with a friend a while ago, and we were playing the 'favourite/most' game...and after going through the usual favourite colour, all-time favourite song, most embarassing situation questions...we stumbled upon 'most life-altering moment'...hers was when she lost her virginity...cuz it was basically then that she decided guys weren't her thing...women were...hahaha...

But y'know what mine is? I think it was when I had a crush on Vanessa...cuz it was during that whole ordeal that I started spending more and more time with the 'group' (not with Van though, hahaha...err...), the crush went away soon enough, and then she hated me for a very long time...but I think that had alot to do with my introduction into the group, and thus my eventual being a part of it...and although in retrospect, the situation with Van was handled so incredibly badly, things turned out amazingly well...

Cuz me and Ive were pretty good friends in middle school...and me and steph were pretty good too...but I was more so runnin with Mike, Evan, Becca, and Dana...but then after the whole 'Vanessa incident', I really started to pry myself away from them, and I started to do more with you guys...

Or it could have all been a culmination of the crush on Vanessa, and the fact that Becca moved away...but that time period is what I always associate my joining our group with...incidentally, Van was also the first asian girl I had liked in a long time, and now that's stuck pretty well too...I've drifted here and there, but for the most part, it's stayed...

So yeah...it's odd how strange little moments at the present can end up defining who you are...if I kept on hangin out with those guys, I'm more than positive I woulda turned out very differently, and you'd all basically be strangers to me...but now you've all come to be a very large part of my life and you've all played a very significant role in defining who I am...

Odd...so very odd...

So who knows...perhaps some little thing that's taken place this summer will someday turn out to have been very important in shaping who I'll be...or maybe it'll just end up having horribly scarred me...haha...

Bah well...now to start my term paper...g'night children, and have a pleasant tomorrow

posted by Herb 1:40 AM

I think I have the worst memory ever...

I was literally just thinking that I'd write about something, so I started scrolling through some entries to see if I'd already written about it but forgot, and then I forgot what I was gonna write about...

Damn...on to something else...

How do you measure how good a friend you are to someone? I've tried being a good friend, but it's damned near impossible to tell sometimes how much you mean to others...and I think that to some extent, there should be some mutually felt level of value between both people...

I guess I used to think me and some people were really close...cuz we'd spend so much time together and talk alot about all sorts of things both good and bad...and I think we've drifted, but she seems to think we're pretty much the same as we've always been...is it weird that such a discrepancy exists between our two views of our friendship?? I wouldn't say that I overestimate our friendship, or that she underestimates it...it's just odd knowing that we perhaps value it differently in terms of the people we consider closer to us...

I've been thinking alot about my future lately...but only where I'm headed and where I'm going to be down the road...but until I talked to Steph on the phone the other night, it had never really occurred to me to consider who I'd be down that road with in terms of friends...our group has meant so much to me (maybe too much at times) that I really don't know what I'd do if I went away for a year and didn't see them for that long...I certainly don't want to lose them, but this is something that I have to do for myself...so not going really isn't an option...

I do have faith in our friendship, but we've already drifted since high school and this just seems like a natural progression, whether I like it or not...I know it's not common for so many people to stay so close since high school (or middle school...), but we weren't supposed to be like them...we were supposed to be different...

At least that's what we always told ourselves...and at some point, I started believing it...but the thought of proving me wrong about this scares the hell outta me...

posted by Herb 12:39 AM

Is it weird when two groups of your friends meet and intermingle?

Like take our group of high school friends...we seem rather clique-ish at times, and I'll more than admit that we are...we do tend to, not so much exclude others, but more so just interact with eachother more...so I can understand why some people find it awkward when they go out with us...

Personally, I think it'd be weird having our group and say...my friends from the pool mixing...the two groups are just so different that I think it'd be really weird...I don't know what we'd talk about aside from petty small talk, which I'm sure we could get by on...but after a while, I'd fail to see where any of our conversation would go...I mesh well with our group, and I mesh well with them, but in very different ways...it's not like I'm a different person to them, but I think I just act more like myself around the 'group' cuz I've known all of you so long...and it's all just a different sort of interaction...maybe not so much a different sort, but maybe on a different level...

This isn't to say that I don't like mixing into other groups...I'd love to go to Hamilton and meet Steph's friends and hang out with them...I'd love to go out to Kingston to see Gord and meet some more of his friends...but aside from the whole 'meeting new people' aspect, am I alone in finding it weird to essentially have your two worlds collide like that?

Like tonight I went out with Sy and his church friends...and I've met them all before, so it wasn't completely strange spending time with them...but still...I guess it was less weird cuz it was only me and not a bunch of us hangin out with them...bah well...maybe I'm just thinking too much...cuz we had a good time watching that movie The Eye...then it was fun sitting around and talkin to them over some bubble tea...so all was good, and made for a nice evening...

But this is in my head...in that I was the outsider, not the central pivot point around which high school and church met...bah well...I need to stop writing these posts while sleep deprived...been up since 9, and workin on 4 hrs of sleep...

Meh...to bed I must go...gotta busy day tomorrow...

posted by Herb 2:35 AM

Isn't it amazing how something so small and so trivial can be so great at the right time?

I had an absolutely horrible morning yesterday...it was just one of those mornings where you'd get up, and immediately wish you hadn't...within the span of 30 mins, you've already been forced into a downward spiral into a day of misery...

Yet something comes along and you're fine...a song comes on the radio...a good friend asks you what's wrong...you go somewhere to be with friends...just the smallest things can change your outlook on a day that just started in the worst way...but the smallest things have the ability to make it all go away, if even for a fleeting moment...

I've been in an awful mood for a good while now...almost immediately after I started this blog in fact, as I'm sure you'll recognize by my endless tirades on all that's wrong...but I really do take for granted so many things that I should be happy for...I've just been in a huge rut as of late, and I'm really having trouble focusing on things...and evidently, it's seeped into other aspects of my life...apparently, I've been a great deal more sarcastic lately...which on top of my usual level of sarcasm is fairly ridiculous...

So yeah...I'm going to try being a little more positive...and pretty soon, I'm also going to start drinking again, haha...but seriously...I'm really not a very negative person...I'm usually fairly chipper and optimistic, just...gimme some time...things are still slowly being worked out right now...and I'm not digging any deeper into this hole, so things are goin up...

Night all...please have a pleasant tomorrow...I'm certainly gonna try...

posted by Herb 1:04 AM

Why do we do things that we know are bad for us?

Why do I drink and smoke? I don't know...there are the obvious reasons, to get drunk and/or high...to just be free of all the stupid thoughts in my head...to relax and find some form of comfort in being free and uninhibited...but the fact remains that I know it's bad for me (and thus, next to no more smoking, and considerably less drinking), but I do it...and I willingly do it, I'm not addicted to either of them, but I do them cuz they make me feel less depressed...but I could just as easily stop...I just don't quite see the need to as my continued use of these things has in no way manifested itself into something in the here and now...

Why then do people stay in abusive relationships? the evidence of all that is wrong is present and clear...yet something draws you to that person, and you can't control it...people think you're dumb or weak for being unable to pull away, but in denying yourself something as strong as the one you love, I think you're denying a part of yourself...and not just your desire to be happy at some point, despite all that goes wrong at other times...but you end up denying the rational part of you that was attracted to that person...and doubting yourself inevitably ensues...

It's like how some people blame themselves for liking who they like...you can't blame yourself for the way you feel...you feel what you do for whatever reason that you do...what's the sense in blaming yourself for what she feels or what others feel about your liking her? you can't blame yourself for what people think...nor can you blame her for not reciprocating your feelings...in the same way that you simply feel the way you do, so does she...

I love the fact that people are trying to help me through things...but as long as you're helping me and not judging me, it's cool...you've all felt things you can't control at some time...and those are the things you should be relating to when trying to help...not how misguided or stupid you think I am...cuz that's the kind of bullshit help that I really don't need...

posted by Herb 2:59 AM

On a completely unrelated note, Ivan, I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that I was hitting pretty decently at the range today...you soooo shoulda been there...you wouldn't have been impressed, but you would have seen improvement...

I was using a pitching wedge and dropping it a good 100+ yards with a full swing, and about 70 yards with a half-swing...I was doing okay with my irons and averaging 120 to about 160 with them as a whole...

Now, to learn how to hit off the tee...cuz my driving was an entirely different story...I was easily out-hitting my drives with my irons...so yeah, a great deal of work must still be done...

And I know that isn't very good at all...but I am getting better, and I was making good, solid, consistent contact...ask Dave, he's my witness...

I think I like it better when I'm in the company of people that I'm better than (no offense to those I was with)...but I tend to fare fairly poorly when I'm at the range with you and Sy...but I was okay when the bunch of us were on the course last week, and even more so today...

Bah well...the point is that I'm slowly getting better...so go book a tee time before I go back to not knowing what I'm doing...

posted by Herb 4:32 AM

When do you know if it's your place to interject in a situation between friends?

I'm sure you feel some form of duty due to the fact that it is between people you care for, but where does the line between nosiness and helpfulness lie?

I know it's not that big of a deal, but I really feel like I should say something...whether I say something or not, things may well play out in the manner in which they're currently headed, but still...if I feel I can be helpful in some way, shouldn't I say something? if not for the sake of their relationship, than simply for the sake of my relationship with them individually, and my desire to see them at least try to work out a small kink in a very good relationship...

Little things are slowly eating away at people...and the slightest spark may set off a large and unwarranted response...I know it's healthy to suppress somethings...and if it's not a big deal, just let it go right? but don't let it build up...if it's something that is bothering you, let someone know about it...preferably the person you're having a problem with...

I mean, I know groups of people who all have problems with eachother...and they're still together only out of respect for the 'group', which is retarded...why spend so much time with people who are making you miserable?...individuals harbour grudges against other people, and everything is just one huge mess with them...and so much pent up frustration based on the smallest of incidents will eventually tear them all apart...but if it's a good group, why not try to work things out? what's the harm in fixing something that's worth fixing??

I'm not only talking about group dynamics...but personal relationships too...the littlest things can tear people apart...relationships are entirely too fragile, but the smallest effort towards keeping people together is sometimes all we need...try people...I think we're worth it...

I really hope that made sense...and if it didn't, I'm sure you can infer my meaning...

G'night people...pleasant tomorrow yadda yadda sex...

posted by Herb 3:26 AM

Whatever I end up doing in life, I sincerely hope that I don't lose focus of what's important...

Take some athletes for example...they've become so wrapped up in money and fame that they forget what they are there to do, and that is to play a sport professionally...sure, they go through the training and the conditioning to maintain their level of play, but they stop enjoying it...they're fortunate enough to be paid excessive amounts of money to play the sport they love...to win over the hearts of millions of adoring fans...I truly don't understand how it's possible to lose sight of this fact over something as petty as a salary dispute...

I don't know what I'm going to do...I don't know when I'm gonna figure it out...but I do know that it will be something I enjoy...it'll be something I want to do...I don't consider myself a great person...I don't even consider myself a very good one at times, but I don't see my values and priorities becoming so skewed so as to forget what it important to me in my job or profession...

I can't see myself working at a job for very long in which I'm completely miserable...I need to feel a sense of accomplishment...I need to feel a sense of importance in what I do...all the while being satisfied with what I'm doing...

It may sound selfish and idealistic, but I need to be happy...and the pursuit of that happiness is something I feel I should prioritize over all else...granted, that happiness includes my friends and family (some of them anyways...) as well as their happiness and well-being...but it doesn't include a family...not yet, and likely not for a very long time...I can't make someone else happy, much less a family happy, until I AM happy...can I?

That happiness does however, include a girlfriend...here...and now...hahahahahaha...

Oh, I slay me...

posted by Herb 5:05 AM

So I'm uh...really kinda irked right now, and I have been for the past several hours...I uh...I used to have this dream...

Where I don't know who I am...I'm just standing on top of a building as security for a motorcade passing by...I look down and see a person standing out of the sunroof for the main limo driving past...what's weird is this person is wearing a ski mask...but this person just continues to wave to a cheering crowd as the limo slowly drives past my scanning area...

Suddenly I look over to the next building and I see a sniper with a ski mask on...so I bolt...I run towards the second building, and as I'm leaping off mine to the sniper's building, my gun falls between the gap, and I look down and see it fall, almost in slow motion...

I'm only a few meters away, when I hear a shot fired...I look down and the person in the limo has been hit, and is apparently dead...I run up and tackle the shooter to the ground...then I rip the ski mask off the shooter, and it's me...which already had me freaking out...so I then look down at the motorcade to see who the victim is...it's my mom...which just scared the shit outta me, so then I'd wake up...

I used to have this dream all the time...it began a few years after I moved into my current house, in about grade 3...and I would at least have it a few times a month...but through the years, the victim changed...it started out as my mom...then my dad...and before long it was my brother or sister...and everynight after having had it, I would just sit awake in bed out of fear for having the dream again...not sleeping, but just staring outside my window, and just waiting for morning to come...

I haven't had this dream in a long time, since about grade 10...but in the afternoon today, I decided to lie down cuz I had a horrible headache...and out of nowhere, I had it again...it all played out in the same haunting way that it had when it scared the shit outta me all those years ago...so I took the mask off the shooter and it was still me...except when I look down to see who 'I' had killed...it wasn't one of them...

It was me...

posted by Herb 11:07 PM

Wow...definitely a whole lotta over-thinking goin on tonight, and thus alot of writing as a result...but I've had a huge headache for the past 2 hrs, so that's why I couldn't sleep...so I sat in bed and started writing an hour ago...so now I've typed it:

I flipped on the TV the other day, only to see my favourite show of all time...The Wonder Years...

It was a later episode...season 5 maybe? 6? yeah, I think it was 6, cuz that was the last season...anyways, the guys are having a poker game...and they talk about a few things, but the episode mainly focused on the fact that Kevin had realized that he and Paul had grown pretty far apart, especially considering how close they used to be, and how close they thought they'd always be...

Then there's Kevin and Winnie who were always meant to be together...they were the best of friends who had gone through it all, while together and apart, but despite being apart near the end, you always thought they'd end up together...but what happens? Winnie goes off to...uh...Paris (??) for...art school or something...and she comes back to find Kevin married...and that's that...

I really loved this show...it really did teach me alot about life while growing up...like if your brother ever found a hot girlfriend, it is your brotherly duty to test her fidelity by making out with her all over school...and you should protect and stand by your spacy hippie sister no matter waht...and that it's not a good idea to hook up your best friend with the girl you secretly love, cuz he'll inevitably develop a crush on her...

But it more so taught me that things in life don't always pan out the way you'd thought they would...your lives can point to a certain direction for as long as you can remember, but when life plays out, it can just as surely spin off on a completely different path...

The important thing is that you try...and that you keep on trying...life is full of too many opportunities to pass things up while waiting for how you want life to turn out...Kevin tried going out with other girls even while he was pining after Winnie...he tried working various jobs, and even working for his dad...he tried to find out who he was and in the process learned who he wasn't, like a smoker or a wrestler...

These are the shows I love...the ones where there's a life-lesson to be learned...as much as I enjoy watching explosions and cheap laughs, it's shows like The Wonder Years that I cherish...kinda like Scrubs now...but not nearly as much...

Oh TV...what can't you teach me? yet despite all you've taught me, why can't I learn??

...AND that was too much blogging for one day...I think I'll half-ass my entry tomorrow...headache subsiding...so g'night, and have pleasant tomorrow...

posted by Herb 4:33 AM

I've had a pretty slow day, haha...

Not in that it's been particularly bad, but just in that I haven't done anything fun, and thus the day's dragged on...and on...and on...it was however, a rather productive day, so I'm glad I got a whole buncha shit outta the way...

I finally sat down and thought up a fairly good topic for my term paper...I've yet to finalize it with my prof, but we're talkin through it, and hopefully it'll get done soon cuz it's due in 2 weeks...and much more importantly, I pretty much decided what courses I'm going to take next year...instead of just doing a 3-yr BA in psych, I'm gonna do that, PLUS a minor in ethics...not cuz I particularly want a minor in ethics, but just cuz I've taken a couple of the principle courses for it, so I might as well go all the way with it...

Before this summer, I don't think I'd fully realized how true the saying "Time flies when you're having fun" really is...I've certainly had entirely too much time on my hands this summer, and I've been bored stupid with a great deal of it...I do go out and have alot of fun fairly often, whether it be a night out somewhere, or something as simple as blading in the morning...but somedays at home are just unbearable, usually the filler hours between the afternoon and dinner...then there's also the nights I actually come home before 1 in the morning, and don't go blading or for a drive or walk...

I end up sitting up on my rooftop, listening to loud music, and just thinking while staring out...and obviously, doing this too often has resulted in alot more over-thinking than even I normally do...which I don't think is horrible most of the time...an indecisive person needs to over-think things to come to a decision...it's not so much that I can't make quick decisions (cuz I can when I truly need to), it's just that I feel the need to think it through and not do anything rash...

This however hasn't been going too well lately...despite what's happened in the past, I've always been indecisive not only because I believe I'm predisposed to it, but also cuz some part of me has held the firm belief that over-analyzing something will lead to it resulting in how I want it to...that I can somehow control my fate by figuring out all the angles, and then playing the one which not only has the best results, but is also the most realistic and feasible...but that still doesn't account for the actions and feelings of others...so maybe it's time to give up on this whole indecisive/overanalyzing thing...maybe it's time to start being rash and hot-headed...and maybe my luck will begin to change...

Nah...that's dumb, but almost dumb enough to work...hmm, I don't know...but it definitely warrants more thought...haha

posted by Herb 1:54 AM

Am I a person who only wants what I can't have?

I mean...I've thought of this before...that I only enjoy the pursuit of people, but when I have em, I bail...history would dictate this is may well be true...

I have definitely thought I'm that kinda person before...that in the process of...err...going after someone, I idealize her to be everything I want in a girl, but when she finally feels the same way, I figure that there's no way someone who's that 'perfect' in my head should like me, so she must be fundamentally flawed in some way...and thus she is no longer perfect, and thus I don't want her...

Court, if you're reading this, see what I mean when I say I'm horribly insecure?

Then there are the times I find the smallest thing to fixate on in the greatest girls...I can't see past the fact that she has huge feet, or that her left boob is noticably larger than her right, or that when she wears her hair up, it accentuates the fact that her ears stick out so much that she looks like a monkey...and not a cute monkey, an odd odd little chimp with huge ears...but I digress...the point is, that maybe I'm not happy cuz I won't let myself be happy...why? I don't know...

But then there are times that I like someone...and certainly not because she's taken or unavailable, or I've made her up to be perfect...but well...just because she's who she is even with her apparent flaws...and if it so happens that she doesn't like me (which is depressingly becoming a trend), and is therefore unattainable, it doesn't make me want her more...all it does it tear me up inside...

Hmm...I've lost any semblance of a point I had hoped to make...what to do, what to do? should I not try to find the perfect girl? should I stop thinking of the girls who don't want me as the perfect ones who can and will do better than me?

Tell me...something...anything...

Or maybe I should be less insecure...be more confident about who I am, what I stand for, what I have to offer...nah, that's crazy talk...I could never pull off 'cocky bastard'...despite how good looking I am, it still doesn't mask the crazy underneath...haha...

Wow...notice a very spastic pattern to that dialogue? self-critical to mindless ranting to self-loathing to confusion to retarded humour...Can we all say manic-depressive? or at least ADD?

ugh...such a loser...g'night, and hopefully sleep will bring a more pleasant tomorrow...

posted by Herb 2:40 AM

I really don't like the fact that I'm not close with my family...

Tina and I are closer than we've ever been, but we still don't really talk too much...and there are entirely too many things that I can't tell her yet...mainly cuz she'd either tell my parents or be disappointed in me...

Then there's my brother and my parents...whom I have an absolutely horrible relationship with...but after that, there's pretty much just Gord...when we were little, we really were pretty much like brothers...but now we've grown pretty far apart too...we're cool, and we can still talk at times, but it's just not there anymore...yet I can depend on him more than any other family member...

I truly envy those people who have a tight supportive family...I don't even know if I can truly define what a "family" is, cuz I've never thought I've been a part of a fully-functional one...I'm not stupid enough to idealize a typical family as a television family (although Family Guy...), I know problems have to exist, but I should feel comfortable enough to turn to anyone of them and know I can count on them right? well, I don't...I would never lean on them, simply because I know they would give...

Maybe this is why I'm so afraid of the thought of settling down and starting a family of my own one day...almost to the point where I would seriously question if it will indeed ever happen...cuz despite all the positives in my life that have come about through my family, I would hate to put a child...my child...and my family...in the family situation I'm in...where the walls separating us are thicker than the walls holding up our house...where we no longer look for comfort at home, but expect disappointment and judgment...

See...issues...so many issues...one day, I'm going to be in therapy...

posted by Herb 2:50 AM

So we finally went to Sandbanks provincial park today after sooooo much debate...and a great deal of misunderstanding and miscommunication last night...(and thus extreme annoyance last night over a lack of any idea what is going on)

It was quite nice there...it was a great day to go and everything too...but, it just wasn't great...it would have been better had I brought my trunks to go in the water, or if the people in my car hadn't fallen asleep 5 minutes into the 2-hour plus ride home, but still...it was good, but there was nothing particularly great about it...but definitely fun enough to warrant a follow-up visit...Cam? say when and where, and I'm with ya...

I really love fruit...I'm tired as hell after having woken up at 8:30...and having driven more than 2 hours either way from TO to Sandbanks...but instead of coming home to sleep, what do I do? well, first I finally took a shower...haha...but then I have a bowl of cherries...then a bowl of cubed watermelon (a good couple slices...) and a nice sweet yellow peach...I really don't like the fact that I eat so little fruit...I usually eat apples and oranges, but that's pretty much it...

I'm actually in a pretty good mood at the moment...cuz I had a fun eventful day and all...but I've got all these crazy stupid thoughts floating around my head...I've been making a conscious effort as of late to be less depressed...and these thoughts are pretty much the end result of that effort...and although I don't want to sleep right now, I'm really quite tired...too tired to reason out decisions for not acting on my current impulses? you betcha...so I'll go to sleep, temporarily content that all will be fine...

or go cut and eat more watermelon...yeah, screw sleep...watermelon it is...mmm...watery...

posted by Herb 3:42 AM

I've got nothing to write right now...

I'm just frustrated and annoyed right now is all...ugh...can't...describe...

Aside from current situation, I saw Bend It Like Beckham today with Hildrey...really liked it...it was so funny, and it was funny seeing it with her cuz we're both closet racists...haha...err...in a racist-funny way...not a racist-I-kill-you way...

But yeah, excellent film...and Keira Knightly (Pirates Of The Carribean lead chick) is the main white girl in it...and she's so hot...so...ridiculously hot...kinda flat, but soooooo hot...

Back to the movie...great...so entertaining...and it excellently tackles (like soccer...buhboom, chaaa) the issue of the importance of balancing family desire with personal desire...so yeah, very good movie, I highly recommend it...

Anyhow, I'm too annoyed to censor myself now, so I'll be quiet...

Time to bedding...nights, pleasant tomorrow, blah blah...

posted by Herb 1:08 AM

It's odd how perspective can be so drastically skewed...

When I go back to London every year, home justs seems forever away...as do the people here...as this summer draws nearer to its end, I think the same thoughts I do every year...that I'll be so far away, and I'll never see my friends...

Granted, I can be a dramatic person sometimes, but I truly think this...that I'm forever away, and I'll never see them again...and that there are so many opportunities lost due simply to distance...

But it's all right here waiting for me whenever I come back...everything stays so constant here, that it only seems to change whenever I'm anywhere else...when I go on a trip for a week or 2, I always come back expecting things to have changed...yet nothing...maybe that's the only reason I've been entertaining thoughts of going away after I finish next year...cuz even though I expect change, I'm always left disappointed by the lack of it...and that's actually what I want...I don't want to have missed anything...

I'm going to want you all to tell me everything I've missed...but not as much as I'm going to want to have experienced all those things...

As an aside, I've got to learn to either:
a) be more productive with my time awake (specifically the mornings)
b) sleep earlier and wake up later...this whole sleeping at 3am-5am and waking up at 9am-10am thing isn't working too well for me...

Cuz although I've accomplished nothing today, I'm entirely too burned out right now...but...can't...quite...sleep...

posted by Herb 2:43 AM

I have absolutely no idea why my parents like having me home so much...

I hadn't seen them in a couple days, so I've obviously been gettin shat for it...so I thought that I'd stay in...and what happened? they went out, haha...which I didn't mind so much, cuz I didn't have to deal with them...but even when they came home, it's not like they talked to me or anything, I was more or less ignored and left to myself...which again, didn't mind so much, but why have me home if you really don't care for my being there?

So I've decided...I'm never staying home again...I was going crazy...didn't have anyone to call...didn't have icq to use...I was literally like a mouse in a cage...

But I ended up finally watching Artificial Intelligence (AI)...and I thought it was great! I know a couple of you absolutely hated it, but I thought it was very very well done...there were parts that I didn't quite enjoy so much (ie, 2000 years into the future?), but for the most part, I really liked it...it was so clearly evident where Spielberg had interpreted Kubrick's vision, and where he had obviously left it alone...and as interesting as it would have been to fully witness what Kubrick intended, I still think it came together rather nicely...

Well, that pretty much caps off a rather boring day...but hey, it's alot better than my bitching about being depressed right?

Bah well...I'll be back on that in no time...

So I guess this is goodnight kids...have a pleasant tomorrow...

posted by Herb 2:33 AM

So I wrote this last night in bed:

I watched Hoshi No Koe (Voices Of A Distant Star) again today...twice in fact, haha...and I can never get over how good it is...it is without a doubt one of the best films/short films I have ever seen...despite the fact that it's only 25 mins long...

The artwork is just beautiful...The story is amazing with so much depth and emotion to it...the voice acting is great and very fitting...the music (Tenmon - Through The Years And Far Away) is such a nice touch and fits so well...

The story is simplistic in its concept...that in spite of overwhelming loneliness and hopelessness, love is strong enough to literally overcome time and space...

Despite the slightly depressing air surrounding the movie, it's very touching and uplifting...

You can't help but long for that love after having seen Hoshi No Koe...but you realize how great it will be when found...and that the wait will indeed be worth it...despite however depressed you may well be at the moment, haha...

So yeah...those were my thought before drifting to bed at 5:30...then waking up this morning at 9:30...I need sleep people...sleep...

I'll write something later tonight...

posted by Herb 2:09 PM

I've been doing entirely too many 'insightful' entries lately...so here it is...back to 'a day in the life'...

I am dead beat freakin tired...and I really haven't done much today...I only got 5 hours of sleep last night thanks to a wake up call from Steph this morning...back to that in a second...the three of us (me and my siblings) went out to lunch with our aunt Lena today...we talked for a bit, and aside from finding out that I share a great deal of personality traits with her, the three of us also had a short history lesson on our family...I've never bothered to ask, but I apparently come from a very wealthy and intellectual family...I have relatives that are actually famous in medicine, biochemistry, physics, etc...I've never been really keen on this family business, but it was really interesting to hear...

But then I had to bolt to go play golf with Bri and Cammie...and Steph, but she left...man, I've got to go play more golf cuz as it stands, I'm really not very good at it, but it was fun, and I don't think we did horribly (though we certainly didn't fare anywhere near well)...but it was good to go out on the course with friends...

So yeah...I really haven't done this journal type entry in a while...I always find it interesting how injections of something different can be so refreshing and fulfilling...eliminating that dullness and monotony of everyday life with something even small and slight can really alter your perspective on how you view things like routine and normalcy...

I truly hope that made sense...I haven't been sleeping well at all for a couple of days now...despite having this blog and actual people to talk to, there's just too damned much inside my head right now...

bah well...let's see how long it'll take to doze off tonight...

g'night folks and please, have a pleasant tomorrow

posted by Herb 4:01 AM

I absolutely hate third-wheeling couples...

For the longest time, and still on some occasions, I served as the third wheel to Gord and Steph's tricycle...and despite the fact that I'm so close with both of them, it's horrible...they're not overly affectionate or anything, but why am I myself imposing on their alone time?

I understand how couples don't want to be the type of couple where no one can stand to be around them by themselves, but for the most part, aren't ALL couples like that? is there actually a point where you're actually comfortable being that third wheel? what happens when you get too close, and you like being that third wheel?

So then you can either avoid being alone with that couple (and not subtle about it...VERY NOT SUBTLE ABOUT IT)...or give it a chance and allow for them to 'not be one of THOSE couples'...I prefer option number one...cuz it's funnier, and it eliminates many a potential awkward moment...

So go on...go and become what you don't like...you don't like those couples, but really, we don't like having to aid in your not becoming one of them...

Though this seems very pointed and direct, I'm not only talking about you...but although I am speaking in general terms, you have brought these thoughts to mind...

Isn't it weird when I speak to you?? whoever's reading this and in a relationship, is now thinking I am speaking about them...

posted by Herb 3:57 AM

Why do we find solace in the shared misery of others?

I understand that it's somehow comforting to know others are feeling the same way you do. I totally get that, and I'm like that sometimes...but why is that? shouldn't it make sense that other people feeling horribly depressed should only serve to make us more so? I feel like crap sometimes, but at times, it's when I find out that others are feeling good that I get to feeling better. I'm miserable sometimes, but I can and should be happy that everyone isn't that way...

I just had a 4-hour conversation with Courtney...(and if you're reading this, SO YOUR FAULT) and by the end of it, we were getting depressed over how damned lonely we were...granted, it didn't start out that way, and it certainly wasn't meant to turn out that way...yet we kept on talking...in spite of realizing how much our situations suck...

Yet some part of me felt better...we talked about other stuff that served to make me less depressed, but solely in terms of our current relationship status, I realized I'm not so alone in this whole misery thing...and as much as it should suck that someone else is alone, it's good to know that you have someone to be alone with together...kinda...

It's like when I listen to music when I'm down...I don't listen to happy uplifting music...I listen to downer music...cuz that's the mood I'm in and it's almost nice to know that at some point, someone else felt that same way...I really want to wallow right now...but for the first time in a couple days, I'm really kinda okay with all that's happened lately...so maybe I'll be able to catch some sleep now...

And with that thought in mind, I bid you goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow...

posted by Herb 2:58 AM

We're the same...only different...at least I think so...

So apparently people think, me, Simon and Duane are very much the same person...I'll admit that we do have certain common traits...and we do react similarly to some situations...and we tend to say and think similar things at times...but we're also very different...we have some different interests...we have different opinions on some issues...we see and like different things in different people...

Lately, I've been rather insistent on the fact that in many ways, the 3 of us are more different than similar...(well, apparently this stretches to Ryan too...cuz the two of them are like him, and if I'm like them, then I'm supposedly like him as well...you get??)...really, it's not that I don't enjoy having these similarities with the 2 (or 3...apparently) of them...it's good to look across a table and know that someone knows what you're thinking...it certainly saves a great deal of explanation at times...and it's great to have someone who can easily relate to you and understand you...

The thing is, when people start grouping us as the same person it gets kind of restricting...I can do my own thing, but it will seem 'out of character'...not necessarily out of my character, but out of OUR character...we all do different things a great deal of the time...and it kinda bugs me when people view us as being so similar that individual differences are no longer of any consequence...they brush us off as being so similar that they won't give us a chance to prove otherwise...

There's no real way to get around this...we can't really not spend so much time together...it's just that way I 'spose...so I've accepted it...I have my qualms with it sometimes, but I guess that's what this blog is for...raggin on everything that is, but in some ways shouldn't be...

But ah well, them's the breaks with havin friends...I think it's worth it...most of the time...

posted by Herb 3:04 AM

Isn't it incredible how wrong your instincts can be sometimes...

How can something that feels so right be so wrong to someone else? I mean...I know there are obstacles before any task which requires such a great amount of thought...and I realize that in anything which is of such paramount personal importance, there will be situation and circumstance which deter you...

But even after seeing all that...and recognizing it, coming to terms with it, weighing it, and dealing with it all...your instincts can still be wrong...the very thing that you depend upon to serve as a basis for countless decisions IS WRONG...

I just can't begin to understand that...

So...I really need a drink right now...or a smoke...or a joint...just something, anything to not feel what I'm feeling right now...

...or...a talk...I need a talk right now, but I don't particularly want one...I need for someone to say something...to just break it down...to just lay it out there for me...to just...

No, what I need right now is reason...reason as to why I'm wrong...reason as to why I would have said anything...reason as to why I shouldn't feel like the biggest fool for having said something...reason as to why I couldn't have seen this...reason as to why I could have rationalized risking something for apparently nothing...

something...anything...just...stop this...now...please...

posted by Herb 3:19 AM

So...that was the altered post...

posted by Herb 3:18 AM

So now...everything just seems to be blowing up in my face...

My new plan of driving aimlessly with loud music to make myself feel better has resulted in my first speeding ticket...I'm really very upset right now...both in the situation and in myself...

The officer was actually really great about it, as she reduced my excess speed from 25 over to 10...so now I'm stuck with a lesser fine and no points being taken off...so I guess I'm slightly appreciative over that fact...but I'm still so damned angry at myself...and now I've decided to abandon my 'therapy'...maybe I'll just stop off and blast loud music from now on...or come home and wallow in my depressive state...much like right now actually...

On to other things that have been getting me down...I'm so convinced that the course of action I wish to pursue is the right thing that I've tried desperately to block out the reasons for not pursuing it...I've rationalized it as being something I should pursue, purely for me...I realize that sounds selfish, but there are somethings in life that may well be worth the negative consequences which will inevitably accompany the positive ones...hopefully, this will be one of those things...

Wish me luck...or hurry and convince me not to make an ass of myself

posted by Herb 2:53 AM

Hmm...I think I should make it clear that I do not HATE my parents...

A few of us went out tonight and Ivan jokingly made a comment that he was surprised I turned out as well as I did considering the occasional...err...damn near constant hell that I have to endure from my parents...so I jokingly agreed...then retorted that at least I didn't turn out like Ernest, haha...and I THINK that he was joking for the most part, but I'm not sure...so if you weren't, please don't think they're horribly bad people...

Cuz all kidding aside, I do...respect...my parents for having had the ability to raise the 3 of us to turn out the way we did...sure Tina's a naive wuss and she's really slow sometimes, but she's also responsible and has a good work ethic...most of the time......sure I'm rather emotionally and psychologically messed up, but I'm also a decent, caring, fairly socially well-developed individual...and sure my brother's a jackass, but...err...moving on...

The point is, we're all fairly good people...we have a strong moral code (though it be flexible at times)...we're nice and respectful...we care about important things...and we generally have a very good set of values...

So no...I don't hate my parents...I don't particularly enjoy a great deal of the time that I spend with them, and thus my general avoidance of having to do so, but I certainly don't resent them...they're fairly good people, but they're just a bit weird sometimes...and they get panicked easily which leads to irrational stupid behaviour/comments...and they don't trust us easily, or at all sometimes...and they don't really believe in me or support me...and they yell at me unnecessarily for stupid things...but aside from those last 2 points, there's nothing very wrong with that, I just described most Asian parents...

So considering all that, I should really make a more determined effort at not making them out to be the worst parents in the world...now, if only they didn't piss me off so much...

posted by Herb 3:15 AM

I think a great deal of my unhappiness stems from home and family issues...

I get blamed for entirely too much around here...I mean, fine, I'm the token 'disappointment', but must everything be relegated to being my fault?? cuz that's fucking bullshit...I'm supposed have all the answers?

They think I'm the smart one...cuz some stupid test I took as a kid based on pictures and stories apparently said I was...so now based on that inane notion, they've garnered a series of expections for me and my life...so I'm now supposed to be the successful one of the 3 of us...I'm supposed to be everything they envisioned the best of the 3 of us to be...now, I see problems with this:

a) no kid can ever live up to my parents' stupid high expectations
b) I'm still young...I don't know everything and I certainly don't pretend to...I'm going to hit a few stumbling blocks before I get it right...

don't turn to me for answers...what the hell am I supposed to know?? I certainly don't go around flaunting what I don't know...so the things I occasionally choose to speak my mind on are going to be topics on which I can hold my own...

Yet another reason why I have to get the hell away...to get away from my parents...cuz this is bullshit...

Ahh...the therapy that is blogging...only mere seconds ago, I felt like breaking someone's face...now I only want to go break something around the house that's expensive...

I'll write something else later on when I'm more settled...

posted by Herb 12:22 AM

I really enjoy this blog...I know I had my doubts about it just a few days ago, but that was only because I was on a string of very negative posts...

It really does let me empty out my head...whether it's filled with good or bad moments, I get a chance to just let it all out and see what people think...everyone should have a forum to vent...some people just rag their friends and family...some take out their frustrations on themselves...I used to bottle it all in...I find blogging to be infinitely better...

So right now, my only fear is that it will soon become a chore...my super short attention span will kick in, and I'll think of blogging as little more than a chore before inevitably stopping altogether...which will be a shame, as my negative thoughts will once again preoccupy me...

Ah well...so, it's 5:30am...you're wondering what I'm still doing up...well, I only got home at 3...and now I'm finding pictures of me, Sy, and Du from our hellish house days and just general pics from London...future shop has a great deal on where you can get your digital photo prints for a dime a piece! so I'm taking full advantage and making hard copies of some of our dumber moments...there truly is nothing like good blackmail material...

Just shout if you wanna take a peak...I think they're hilarious...haha...

I should sleep soon...err, like now...so g'day to ya...

posted by Herb 5:44 AM

I really have problems communicating things to people...some would probably say that's why I have this blog in the first place...I don't like talking about alot of stuff, especially the problems I'm going through...I figure, I'm down, why bring someone down with me??...If I hate you, why unnecessarily bring up conflict??...If I secretly love you, why make myself vulnerable (to rejection? to love? whatever...)??

But problems seem to arise when I do this...in the case of my supposed 'depression' (as it's been termed by others) people are insulted or hurt that I can't talk to them about some things sometimes...people begin to think I don't trust them and they think I feel that I can't depend on them...

So I don't know...communication of some of these things only works in moderation...and if I start, I don't think I'll know when to stop...and then, people will think I'm crazy...a FACT that I certainly don't want to be well known...

Maybe I should open up more...I mean, lots of people do it all the time, and it seemingly works for them...but I need something to work with...throw me a line, extend me a hand...I'm gonna need some sort of segue from "hey, what's up?" to "these are the reasons why I'm going nuts"...

So help me...help myself...haha...or in terms of love, help me...help us...haha...

oh, I slay me...I'm such a dork...

I'm outtie...peace

posted by Herb 3:29 AM

I find it very troubling that I can't remember the last time I was happy...

I remember the last time I'd gotten away from everything...my friends...my problems...my thoughts...my life...and I just sat on a beach in cuba...with a mojito in one hand...a rye and ginger in the other...watching the waves rush the sandy beach in the early hours of the morning...I literally didn't have a care in the world...

That's why I love getting away from here...and sometimes getting away from all of you...I can just be by myself away from everything...and then I would return refreshed...ready to deal with it all again...

But when I was on the cruise...sitting on deck at 4am...listening to music and looking up at the stars across a clear night...I just couldn't do it...all I could think about was that when I wake up, it'll just be one day closer to my returning here...and no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I wasn't drinking...

I don't hate this place and I certainly don't hate all of you...I hate my life...I hate that I aimlessly wander through it while not knowing full well what's going on...

I told that to a friend of mine a lil while ago...and he said that I've influenced his and the rest of my friends' lives...that they're better for having known me...that therein lies my importance: the fact that I've made a positive impact on people's lives...but doesn't that just mean that without them I'd be nothing...?

So something is gonna have to give...something is going to have to change...and with each day that passes, I'm realizing more and more that it is never going to happen if I stay here...

posted by Herb 1:50 AM

I hate how people can be so closed-minded...

How some people can only accept what they believe to be true, and can in no way accept that either they're wrong, or that someone else can be right...

What's the point in communicating then? it's no longer a free-exchange of ideas when all you're doing is trying to impose your beliefs upon me...

I think I'm a fairly open-minded person...I take things, I try to understand them, if I believe in them, I may well assimilate them into my own belief system...or I'll at least accept your view as just that, a different opinion...but RARELY will I tell you that you're wrong...you can bloody well believe whatever you want...and you can communicate those things to me, but don't be closed to my opinions or my beliefs...

What makes you so right? because you have a book that tells you so? someone wrote that book in order to communicate that idea...because others didn't believe in that idea...because there was something that needed to be expressed...because there was something important that needed to be said to possibly add to our understanding of what life is...

BUT you've got to understand that not everyone feels that way...ALL IT IS, is a possibility...and if you so choose to believe in that possiblity, then fine...but don't refute my choice for not believing in it...

disclaimer: for those involved in a conversation I 'took part it' until 5 mins ago, this has nothing to do with you...

posted by Herb 5:00 AM

So...I'm starting to have mixed feelings over this blog...almost to the point where I want to stop...almost...

I want to get things out...I like having an outlet for my thoughts and feelings...I like sharing things that I normally don't have a chance to get into...the only problem is that people are responding to these entries...now, don't get me wrong, I like the fact that people for the most part are liking what I have to say AND that some people don't agree with everything...I like it that they're getting to know me and better understand me...

But I think I'd be alot more comfortable with you just reading and taking it in...sure it's nice to hear your comments sometimes (like how I need a new setup...I agree...wanna help me make or find one?), but it's also nice that I can just write sometimes without having to deal with the repercussions that would have accompanied those words had they been said...

I don't know what I'm sayin...maybe I'm being dumb about this...maybe some of the things I write about need to be talked out cuz I'm obviously going nowhere talkin to myself or to no one at all...so well, feel free to comment or say whatever...I just might not be so receptive to it all the time, haha...

well, that was fairly pointless...I really shouldn't try to make sense when I'm tired...I'll make more sense tomorrow, promise...

posted by Herb 1:13 AM

Ah...I'm bloody well miserable...

A few of us just watched punch-drunk love again...I love that movie...but it really does remind me how much I need someone...I don't even know what the hell I want anymore...I have no idea who I want and I'm not sure if I even want to be together with anyone, or if I just simply don't want to be alone anymore...anyhow, that's that (haha...the movie)...I refuse to let this blog turn into a daily journal of misery...

So far, I think the only things that have become evident through the making of this blog are that:
a) I'm lonely
b) I may well be an alcoholic
c) I have alot of things to say, but really no one to listen
d) I usually sleep between 1-4...stupid sleep schedule

There is however a great deal more to me than my misery (despite what I may say at times)...hmm...for example, I really like learning...I truly enjoy it...but I'm not a nerd, haha...I hate being tested on it...But I like it when I can take in something new...whether it be facts or skills or anything in general...

And...and although I'm fairly cynical at times, I truly believe in people...I believe that there is good in them, but it just needs an opportunity to shine through...I trust people entirely too easily, but I'm also soured very easily when that trust is misplaced...I believe in silly stupid notions like love and fate, but I have selected views and opinions on each...I'm quite easy going, almost to the extent where some people think I'm a pushover, but I'm not, honest...and I truly only have one pet-peeve: don't tell me what to do...if you're in no position to do so, ask me to...don't tell me to...cuz I won't take kindly to it...

So now I'm going to stop my little psychoanalysis of myself...tomorrow: back to misery...

g'bye and have a pleasant tomorrow...

posted by Herb 1:40 AM