I've uh...really gotta stop doing this to myself...

An all-nighter, then 7 hrs of class in a single day? yeh...fuck that...

...need...sleep...

If I start getting restless and delusional again, I'll definitely come on and type...should be fun stuff...

peace out ma peepees...remember, don't be stupid, don't procrastinate...or I suppose be dumb like me works too...either way, watch your step on the way outt, and have a pleasant day

posted by Herb 11:03 AM

One day soon, procrastinating so much is really going to bite me in the ass...

Since Monday, I've been meaning to start this 5-7 page paper (meaning 5)...at this very moment, I have yet to start...

Maybe this is going to be one of those things I need to happen to me...I need the worst possible scenario to occur in order for me to finally learn...let's face it, I've done this many times before...and I've always come out of it alright, sometimes more than others...sometimes through an all-nighter of hard work and determination...sometimes through a trusty little resource I like to call essays on the internet (highschool, not now)...but that's besides the point...the fact remains, I've never been burned after having played with this burning flame so many a time...

So here I sit again...thinking about consequences...wondering when procrastination will one day get the better of me...

Well, today's not gonna be that day...

posted by Herb 3:32 AM

"Nothing beats the Hobo-life, Stabbin folks with my Hobo-knife"

- A Singin Hobo (Not A Stabbin Hobo)

posted by Herb 10:54 PM

So I spent yet another evening reading at the library, but I'm not here to bitch, I'm here to say something nice for once...

So, I left the library, and stepped outside into the chilled night, and there's snow falling...I haven't really been outside this year while snow had been gently falling, and I've gotta tell ya, it was amazing...

I'm sure you all know I find some of the simplest pleasures out of some of the simplest things...and every year, this has to be one of them...just standing outside, gentle gusts of wind blowing in your face, and light airy snow falling from seemingly out of nowhere...

It really just makes me happy, and I don't really know why...

I really don't like seeing early Christmas lights go up...or stupid Christmas commercials...or hearing carols in the middle of November...it just seems so wrong...

But just standing there, it was so great...then I missed my bus, so I stood a bit longer...

posted by Herb 5:20 AM

I can't quite tackle this fully right now, cuz well, my parents are going to be awake in 15 mins, and they'll be super pissed if I didn't sleep tonight...

Anyhow, altruism...can it truly exist??

Many people think that it can't...some believe it exists if you help people despite not wanting to...

I like to think that I'm a rather helpful person...I guess I do at times even go out of my way to do things for others, despite having things to do myself...I'm not helping people or flat-out doing things for others because it makes me feel good about myself...I'm not doing it to avoid other things (well, sometimes...like when I really don't want to study...who am I kidding, I never want to study)...I'm not doing it for the sake of someone else (not always...maybe sometimes...I don't want people to fail because I didn't help, even though someone else could have)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I like helping people...not for any of the above reasons...and certainly not because I've got nothing better to do...and definitely not cuz it's simply a ploy to get people to like me (anyone who thinks that...well, I've got unkind words for ya)

I truly think that sometimes, I help people cuz they want help...cuz they need help...and cuz it's the right thing to do for someone...

I don't feel duty compels me to help people...I do it because I feel (to some extent), it's my duty to help someone else when they need it...and I do it for the sake of that duty...not out of obligation, but simply because I feel it should be done...

Is that weird? Is this another one of those stupid things I naively believe? I never know what to make of this...

...and now to run upstairs before they come out of their room...

more on this later...g'night and take care kiddies...so watch your step on the way outt and have a nice day

posted by Herb 5:42 AM

I don't know if I can deal with this...

My parents are slowly driving me insane, and they won't stop...I was seriously contemplating going home early in order to escape their harassment, but I stupidly just made plans with Gord's family on Sunday afternoon...bah well, I guess you win some, you lose some...

So I'm actually being rather productive here...I'm almost finished up the stuff that I came home for, I've dealt with other people who's help I've needed, and everything (aside from the whole slowly being driven to insanity) is going rather well...I'm going to finish this rather handily with a great deal of time to spare, and then I'm going to have some fun and see some people over the weekend!

It's weird how returning home has coincided with a huge spike in blogging...actually, it's really not weird at all if you know me...you'd think I'd experience the most stress (and thus, the need for blogging) while at home...and sure enough, in thinking so, you'd be correct...I do love this city...I do love my home...and I do love the people who are here...but there's just too much going on here...too much to deal with...too much to face...too much responsibility to live up to...I can own up to myself, but I can't face these people...I'm going to live my life, whether it's sooner or later, has yet to be decided...and this may very well sound selfish, but it's something that I have to do for me...and that's really just that...

So off...off I go...

Wanna come with?

posted by Herb 6:48 PM

Ahh...

I'm EXTREMELY easily rattled...the smallest thing can go wrong, and I'll lose all faith in myself and my abilities...

Like for those few games where we played softball and I pitched...I gave ya a good pitch, ya fouled it off...I gave you another decent pitch, you fouled it off...then I gave you a bad one and 'struck you out'...and then I wanted to stop pitching...despite a good number of people getting on base before you went to bat...

see? easily rattled...

now, to explain this morning...I have a ridiculous amount of things to do in order to get things together, and there's just too little time...and EVERYTHING seemed to be going wrong, so very wrong...and I really didn't think I'd be able to do it anymore...

see...where my faith in others and in life in general runs strong...my faith in myself is very fleeting...I've done a great deal of things wrong, especially in the last few years...and I've always attributed these errors in action and judgment to myself, not usually to others or to circumstance...so I very easily beat myself up over the smallest of things...

BUT...now things have been fixed...wrongs made into rights...I've still got a multitude of things to accomplish, but now external reasons for finishing what I've started are no longer a factor in the overall success of my efforts...now it's all on me, again...a situation I can't say I've always dealt well with, but one which is all too familiar and certainly manageable...

So peace out homies...and I'll definitely catch ya on the flip side...so just watch your step on the way outt, and be good children...

posted by Herb 6:39 PM

Despite my going home, this will NOT be a pleasant weekend...

I've got to run a million errands, with not nearly enough time to run them in...
I've got to see my parents, and they are NOT going to like the fact that I'm home...
I've got to work through so much stuff and deal with so many people...

But it will be topped off with lunch on Saturday with Mr. Goodman...that's the one thing that's going to keep me from slittin my wrists over the next couple days...no promises for saturday night though...

I'm outt...hopefully not for good, so peace, and watch your step on the way outt...I'll see ya around in the next few days, or never again...

posted by Herb 11:40 AM

I think I'm going nuts...

It isn't normal to start hyperventilating, feeling disoriented, start feeling panicky and overcrowded, having to sit down and possibly blacking out for a brief moment right??

I uh...think I had a slight panic attack...

I just wrote yesterday (technically this morning, but don't nitpick...) about not being one to give into hopelessness, so don't think that's what I'm doing...

I just find it horribly disheartening and generally frustrating when everything seems like it's stacked against you...there's so much adversity and so many obstacles to overcome whenever you strive for something better for yourself...I'm not saying that it's not worth it if you achieve your every goal and desire, I'm just saying I understand why so many people give in...

It's hard to remain so objective and determined...it's so hard not to stray from such a direct and simple path...the journey down that path isn't simple, it's the path itself that is...it's a straight line from point A to point B, but it's what finds you along the way that's difficult, and it's finding what keeps you going down that path that's even harder...whether that path is following God's will, making your parents proud, or simply living the life you've always desired...

There was a moment today when I thought I couldn't do this anymore...I know I will see this path, I will know what I have to do on it, and where I'll have to be, and what I'll have to do to continue down that path...but for a second today, while I sat, couldn't think straight and couldn't take a breath...I thought this path, whatever it is, just isn't for me...

That was the closest I've ever come to giving in...and I hope I never reach it again...these next few days are going to be paramount to my finding my path and continuing where I think it will take me...

posted by Herb 4:27 PM

What what??

A job and a girl in the same day??

Best day in the LONGEST time!

...would be what I'd say if I got a job and a girl in the same day...had ya for a sec didn't I??see, at least I'm still hopeful my luck will turn around...I haven't quite given up hope, not yet...

I think that's one of the things about me that I'm most comfortable with...my belief that things can and will turn around...I have such an unbelievable amount of faith in people and in life that it really is one of the only things that keeps me going sometimes...

...and I can't be particularly articulate right now, so I'm gonna stop with the introspective stuff, and just blab...

So yeah, I haven't updated this thing in a while, cuz NOTHING has been going on...I hate to say this, but I'm becoming a HUGE nerd...I go to the library and spend ridiculous numbers of hours there...and my next exam isn't til finals...I did balance out the nerdiness however by failing to complete (cough-or-start-cough) a death assignment due tomorrow...but whatever, it's only worth 2%...

But I do still take the time to go out with people and knock back a few beers, hahaha...alcoholism wins again!

Y'know what else has been taking up my time?? FRIENDSTER.COM...good lord...it's nothing special, it's just the new AA, but it's so horribly addictive...it literally links you to all of your friends...and all of their friends...and all of their friends...it's cool that way, like, I've only got 14 people directly linked to me, but through those 14, my 'network' consists of over 200,000 people...hahaha...it's so stupidly fun, and you randomly find people you've lost touch with...or you just browse your gallery through all your links to find hot girls...haha...

...must...stop...wasting...time...

posted by Herb 6:43 AM

No, I still haven't started that essay, hahaha...oh crap...

go to http://test.thespark.com/person/

and take the test...it's fun, trust me...

posted by Herb 6:13 AM

There has got to be a major flaw in my work ethic...

I get things done alright, and on time too...but I end up doing them at inane hours of the night...

It is now 5:10 in the morning...I have an essay due at 2pm today...how far am I, you ask? I have yet to type out my first word...which is really sad, cuz all I've done since I got home from class tonight was eat, watch TV, and speak to people on the internet...granted, it's only a 2-page paper, and I'll likely be done in about 30-45 mins, but that's beside point...

Why do people procrastinate? I really see no point in it, as you're only delaying the inevitable...it serves no practical purpose cuz I truly believe that people who say they work 'better under pressure' are more so referring to instances when they have to...why would someone choose to work under such circumstances? yet here I am...adding blogging to the list of things I've done before this essay...

I'm really curious to know who comes onto this site...when I first put it up, I put the addy beside my MSN name, and a buncha people from here n'there used to frequent it and ask me about my ramblings...and I know my friends go here, and a few of their friends...but I just kinda want to know who these people are...and why they're bored enough to come here, haha...cuz really, I haven't written anything lately that's really worth reading, at least not since late October...

But don't quit on me now people...I've got the goods, haha...I just need to take the time to write more of em down...so please, come again...

posted by Herb 5:10 AM

This is ridiculous...I missed the Raps game and the Leaf game last night (it's a good thing though...I do so hate seeing us get trounced...), but where was I you ask? what was I doing??

I was at the stupid library...

It really does make me sad...so very sad...next weekend, after we win the softball crown, we're goin out...I don't know who's comin with me...I don't know where we're goin...but we're goin there, we're gonna have fun, and we're gonna get hammed...

But back to the library...I read the chapter on friendship and love...and y'know what the worst part about it was? sitting there...reading about the prevalence of loneliness amongst young individuals...and their causes...and identifying with most of what I read...

I think pretty soon, I'll be able to diagnose my own states of mind...which is sad (cuz most of them will be so), but kinda neat...when I say I'm depressed, I'll be able to give you actual reasons why...

But for now, back to learning...I wonder what the depths of hell have in store for me tonight...

posted by Herb 5:38 PM