Oh my pretty...how I've neglected you lately...

I just really haven't felt much like blogging lately...things just seem to be evening out now as I'm in the stretch run before summer comes to a close...I've got stuff to say, but unless I'm really bothered by it at that moment, I've been going back into bottling mode...

I really don't know why I bottle so much in...but we've partially covered this, and I've got no new answers...

So moving on, me and my dad had a huge fight today...but it was so unnecessary...sure I screwed up, and I felt bad about it...and he KNEW I felt bad about it...and I wouldn't have minded if he'd yelled at me just a little, but he went all out for a good 20-30 mins...which is ri-freakin-diculous...

I don't get why some people can't keep anger in check...I very rarely get overly mad at anyone, much less hold a grudge against them...I just fail to see the point in it...when I'm mad, I can yell...but I'm rarely excessive about it...I'll say my piece, and then rescind whatever wasn't very nice, then try and move on...it's just the way I work...I think the longest I've ever stayed mad at anyone was 3 days (it happened twice...once 1st year with Joel, and the other time in grade 7 with Ivan, haha...that was really funny)...

I've been craving cigarettes like MAD lately...I've been clean for like, 9 weeks now...but it's really starting to get to me...this is the first time since grade 8 that I don't have a single smoke at home...not even my 'emergency pack' that was in a ziplock bag and taped to the wall outside my window, hahaha...oh how I miss it...

Bah well...we'll see how all goes, hopefully well...I'll keep ya posted...til then, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 4:04 AM

So since you'll all know who I'm talkin bout even if I omit names, I'll just use 'em anyhow...

I think the weirdest thing about me spending so much time with Simon's friends, is just that...they're HIS friends...I don't think I can get past that fact and fully recognize them as being MY friends as well...even when people ask who I'm going to Montreal with this weekend, I say Simon's/my new friends...it's just too weird, this whole seeping into a whole other group outta nowhere business...

This isn't to say that I don't consider them my friends...but it's just kinda weird not being the outside-looking-in-guy anymore, and realize that I do see them somewhat often, and I'm in on some of the little jokes and stuff, and we talk and chill n'all...

Bah well...that's that I 'spose...

Maybe I should go to bed now...I've gotta wake up at like, 8:00 tomorrow to make at least 1 (it'll prolly end up being 2) trips to London tomorrow...gotta move all my stuff back up...ugh, so much crap...OR, I can go watch The OC...or maybe a dvd...yeah, I'm not tired, haha...

Night all...and please, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 2:20 AM

Time is steadily running out on this summer...

And I'm happy about it, but I'm also hating it...there's entirely too much to do in too short a period of time...I've got about a month's worth to fit within the span of a week and it's really quite draining...

I've never been good at this whole scheduling thing...I usually know what I have to do (unlike Simon...worst planner...EVER), but I just don't know when the hell I can do it...and when your plans revolve around the busy schedules of others, all is just bound to not be done...so I've started to make concessions as to what I'm going to be able to do, and it's not looking good, haha...

I've really got nothing to do right now, aside from the aforementioned things...I've been writing alot of lyrics lately, which is fairly retarded cuz I can't write music...but I can say it out and it seems like it fairly works, but now...to find music, haha...I dunno what's goin on lately...introspection and hindsight are colliding and with the mistakes I've made this summer, it's manifested itself in lyrical form...bear in mind, they aren't very good lyrics, so don't ask for them...unless maybe you have music, but then I'll just ask for the music...

I know I can be fairly dramatic at times, but this summer has seemed like little more than a succession of mistakes and unfortunate situations...I very rarely say this, but I wish I could take it all back...not only to have 4 months to make amends for wrongs committed the first time around, but I guess to just make it all so much easier...I don't so much regret losing the game...I just think I could have played out that hand a great deal better...

posted by Herb 3:51 AM

Hooray for camping!

As predicted, camping was a blast...but upon reflection, we really didn't do too much...we did alot of sitting around, but hey it was still a great time...not as memorable as the mass flooding camping adventure of 2001, but still, it was great...pictures didn't turn out all that great, but there are a few good ones that'll be up in a while...

I saw the series premiere of Six Feet Under last night cuz it debuted on Showcase...and I've gotta say, that is a great show...it has that humourous quirky quality to it that I do so enjoy in television...it's a very serious show, but it makes light of some of the more uncomfortable aspects of life that you're forced to deal with...but not in order to undermine it's importance, but more so to emphasize that it what's important at one moment may soon seem less so...

The acting is absolutely amazing...the character roles are defined well enough so you can understand reason and motivation for action and reaction, but there's enough room left for a great deal of character growth...

There's no way I can wait to watch this one episode a week...hmm, time to download the series...Simon, this will be our new scrubs...haha...

Bah well, time to jet...I've got stuff to do...too...busy...too...little...time...

I'm outtie sprouttie...so watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 11:52 AM

A camping we a go...a camping we a go...hi ho the dairy o, a camping we a go

I know I haven't been posting alot lately...but not due to a lack of things to say, or a lack of desire to...

I've just been busy outta my mind...so much to do, so many places to go, so many people still to see before I go back to school...As glad as I am to be going back, I hate this mad rush of things to do before I have to go...

What you ask, would solve this problem?? A transporter...we've been talkin bout a transporter since grade 10...I can't believe no one's made one yet...lazy bastards...

Aight...I've got lots to do before I go to sleep (uh...start packing maybe??)...so I'm gonna jet...there's gonna be alot of pics to see if ya check on monday, so uh...check, haha...

I'm outtie sprouttie...so watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 3:25 AM

Actually written today...sorry for the confusion folks...go back to Aug 19th at 3:33pm to see what I've done...

Wow...

For days now, I've been mad, depressive and irritable...but with a simple phone call, all is now once again right in the world...

Yes, I'm coming camping once again, with that freakin exam now on Sept. 6th, but even aside from that...I've really just lost my faith in people lately...just someone somewhere has been pissing me off, and this has either manifested itself in my being constantly angry and annoyed (more so when I'm alone), or I've been daydreaming more lately (in general, but more so when I'm with people)

It's just that I've had so many reasons to just be mad at things and people lately...things were finally looking up, then out of nowhere, I'm blindsided by all this crap and negativity, not only from the exam and various people I know, but people I've passed on the street, cashiers, people on the floor in stores...it's like shits are us had a special on jackasses...which is odd considering they're named shits are us, not jackasses are us...

Like I was in Buffalo a couple days ago, and some young white trash mother was in Old Navy with a 2 or 3 year old girl who was sittin on the floor, crying like mad...the kid had fallen and scraped her knee and it was sorta bleeding, so the cashier asks the mother if she'd like a bandaid for her daughter, and ya know what the bitch says? she replies that the daughter's been bad today and should just be more careful when walking, she then bitches off the cash girl for not minding her own damned business...and then proceeds to storm out while her daughter is still just sitting there, and when she shows no signs of stopping, the kid finally gets up and starts running after her...FUCKING WHORE...what the fuck is wrong with these people??

That was the perfect example of all that's been shitty lately...but even aside from that...everyone I've met within the past 2 weeks...a waiter who's had a bad day and is rude and pissy...a cashier who ignores you and talks on the phone, so she gets everything wrong and has to do things a million times in order to help a single person...that bitch I saw while blading during blackout-day, tugging her small sickly-looking dog around on a chain-link choke-chain...just...I can't deal with these people...they just make me so incredibly angry...

Well, just now, I talked to the nicest young woman working at the distance studies office...she was just so great and sympathetic bout my camping dilemma (yes, I actually told her that I just want to go camping)...and I don't know how, but we talked for like, 15 mins about how the blackout affected her, and how she's had to work alot of overtime over the weekend to pick up the slack for others who bailed due to 'prior engagements'...and she was just such a bright spot...and I guess I was also just in a better mood from having resolved all this, but still...

So while also being happy that all has now worked out, I almost hate the fact that such a simple thing has brought me back from the dark side of things...sure I'm going camping again, and my plans of salvaging this summer are now back on track...but so what? that doesn't change anything...I'll look around, I'll walk down the street...and the same pieces of shit are going to be everywhere...but at least now, I've once again realized that somewhere amongst them is a kind smiling person...

posted by Herb 3:42 PM

Written the night of Aug 18th...

Why is it that when a song you love comes on the radio, and you haven't heard it in forever, it's feels so much more special than having it on a CD playing whenever you want?

I drove the van tonight, and due to the lack of a CD player and freakin linkin park playing on the Edge, I flipped over to the mix...and what comes on? Tracy Chapman's Fast Car...

God, I love that song...and just driving around at night, listening to it and just taking in her voice and the lyrics...it was so great, and so calming...

I listen to my favourite songs all the time...on CD or on the computer, I can always just sit and listen to The Cure singing Friday, I'm In Love...or listening to the Monkees singing about Daydream Believers...but what is it about the radio that makes hearing songs on it special?

It's so often so important that we like to have things to ourselves...our time...our space...our lives...but at the same time, it can be good to know that you share something with others...it can be as simple as a mutual fleeting glance...or something as big as a mutual feeling and understanding that you're not as alone as you feel sometimes...

Especially with songs...you have your reasons for loving a song, and others have their reasons...but it's that song and the feelings they bring that you all share...a smile, a laugh, a tear...whoever's listening at that same moment, who at some point heard that song, is just driving around and thinking up the same things you are...and for those 5 minutes, you'll likely never meet, speak, or drive past eachother on the road, but you're together...until that next song comes on...

posted by Herb 3:35 PM

Written the day of Aug 17th...

I hate the fact that I have to censor what I say here...

I mean, honestly...this is my damned blog...and I'll say what I bloody well want to...

I don't want to offend some people with my poignant observations on their actions of late, but if ya don't like it, frankly, don't read it...at some point or time, someone is bound to be offended by something I say here, not due simply to the fact that I can be offensively-minded at times, but this is my forum to get my feelings out into the open...and you've gotta realize, if ya make me feel like shit, it's gonna show in some form of another...

And really, if no one's gonna tell ya that you're being a dick, you might as well find out here...cuz sometimes, these are the things you've gotta be told...you've gotta realize that in the same way the words I write here are capable of hurting you, the actions which led to those words are hurting us...

So if you're not at least capable of assuming someone else's position when you choose to disregard others, well, here's your chance to find out...

Honestly, I'm not gonna mask my venting behind a facade of self-righteous bullshit...that I'm writing some of these things purely for your benefit...so that you may learn from your mistakes...I know I'm venting to make myself feel better, so hey, you can take whatever the hell you want from that...

I realize that these words may also serve the purpose of furthering needless conflict...but if a stream of words are going to make you mad enough to lash out in retaliation, imagine how badly I took the actions which inspired those words...

posted by Herb 3:35 PM

Written the day of Aug 16th...

Don't you hate how disheartened some people can make you?

All is fine and well, but after having to deal with certain people, you almost don't have the will to continue dealing with others for the remainder of the day...some people can be such shits, that it totally skews your perspective on the rest of the world, and all you want to do is lock yourself up in your room away from the crap and chaos that is social interaction...

Yes, I know some people have the ability it brighten your day, and yadda yadda, but I haven't had the pleasure of dealing with any of these kind-hearted people today, so I'm allowed to bitch off the stupid fucks who have been pissing me off...

I've been so incredibly negative lately...I'm gonna try my damnedest to get this fucking exam over and done with as soon as possible, cuz really, if I can't make this camping trip, I will not be a pleasant person...I'm gonna needlessly blow up at someone, and they will truly feel the full fury that is the ire of my wrath...whether they deserve it or not, and I won't care, cuz this is a shit and a half...I get fucked over due to extraneous circumstances? I know this is bloody well important, but it's not my fault some generator blew, so fuck off...

posted by Herb 3:34 PM

Aight, so remember I said I've been writing like mad, but haven't posted anything?

Well, here it is...notice the quick descent (starting from the Aug 16th entry) into pure and utter chaos and hatefulness...haha...it's funny now I guess, but not so much at the time...

Also, I've added a new album...it didn't turn out great, but check out the progression of "My Mess"...

Enjoy my insanity...but watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 3:33 PM

I do apologize for not having posted in very long...

I've been writing things...at an even greater clip than usual, but I just haven't posted them as of yet...I think I'll start posting em 2 a day until I catch up...

I'm just entirely too preoccupied with all this stupid exam stuff...and everything I write ends up digressing into random angry bitterness...so I'm going to keep the insanity to myself for now, and just filter it all through once I get word tomorrow on what's gonna go down...

So depending on how things go, I'll either be really happy tomorrow, or depressive/angry at the world...either way, I'm gonna be spending 95% of the next 2 days at home anyhow, so I won't see most of you...

I can't believe my brother's goin to Japan on Thursday...it's pretty crazy...sadly enough, I don't really care that much either way, it's just rather surprising that he's gonna do something like this...

Okay, that's been clean so far...so before I go on a long tirade on how I hate everything (even though I had a fun and eventful day), I'm gonna end this now on a good note...

So g'night I guess...and watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 4:06 AM

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!???

I just...hate it all right now...I'm so unbelievably angry...2 days after saying that despite all the shit and the drama that's gone down this summer, the next few weeks are going to make it all worth it...

What happens? my exam gets cancelled...I know, this seems like it should be a good thing, except I just found out it's been rescheduled for NEXT FUCKING SATURDAY!!! aaaaahhhhh...I just...can't deal with this right now...what's that? it's the worst damn time cuz I have to go camping on FRIDAY?? FFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKINGG HHEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL...

These next few weeks were going to redeem a summer full of just unnecessary shit...I've gotta spend my time working on a course that I failed the first time cuz it was fucking ridiculously hard to pass...I don't get to see the people that I want to, the ones who can make the worst of days so much better...my family is driving me absolutely nuts...the girl I'm crazy about shoots my ass down and doesn't even feel bad about it...some of my favourite people in the world can't come visit, once again reaffirming my lonesome...and I just...don't have anything...I'm sitting here drinking, at 2 in the morning, bitching to no one cuz there's no one to turn to right now...and I just, can't fucking do this anymore...

Why does everything have to be so damned difficult...they can be so much easier...they could have all just been so damned much easier, but next to fucking everything has just played out in the worst damn way...

I hate feeling powerless and helpless...especially when it comes to my well-being and my sanity, but things are just going in whatever fucking way they want to, and I just can't hold onto anything right now...relationships are strained, people are shits, my head's a mess, and everything is just...spiraling further away...

I just don't have the will to try and make this work anymore...it's not even that I can't make this work right now...I just, don't want to make it all work right now...I just want it all to stop and just go the fuck away...

posted by Herb 2:25 AM

So I'm totally sold on that show, The O.C.

I'm so glad all that freakin reality TV crap is over and fairly done with (although I want my Real World back...), a great show with great music...nicely done, nicely done...I mean, how can ya go wrong with Phantom Planet singing your theme? I'd almost forgotten how much I loved California...it's such a great song...and err...state I guess...

The next few weeks are going to make this an amazing summer...sure, I've been bitching about boredom, depression and loneliness for 2 months now, and all that really hasn't changed, but these coming weeks will keep my mind off of all that...this, this is going to be good...

There's so much to do with so many people...I haven't seen much of some people lately, and I really miss hangin out with them, and just being able to see them...so doing stuff around here and going camping are going to be great...we didn't go camping last year, so I'm really looking forward to this...so much to drink, and so much fira to plays with...

If Montreal ends up panning out, it's gonna be great...NY woulda been cooler (hehe...Conan would have been amazing to see, and Joel would have been so jealous...), but this'll make for a great trip with people I don't really know that well right now, but hopefully, this'll change all that...

So many people to see, so many things to do, so little time...all my weekends are booked now...alot of weekdays are busy , and I'm sure last minute things will fill most nights...so I don't have time to feel like shite...there's just too much to occupy myself with...

So the only thing standing in my way at this point: THIS DAMN EXAM...but I'm really quite laxed about it...there's too much to focus on that I can't quite seem to grasp the importance of it...but at least the studying is coming along...5 chapters of course notes left...went through 7 today...

Sweet jebus...it's really late or early, I guess...people are gonna be waking up soon...time to run, have a goodnight, and watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 6:08 AM

I'm deathly afraid of reality...

Alot of the time, I really do live in my own little world where I think and plan out, then mentally play out, a million different scenarios before acting on anything...no, not always to be prepared for anything happening, but just cuz I like thinking these things up...

If I have a meaningful conversation with you, to some degree, I've already rehearsed a million times what I want to say, and how you're gonna react and so on...

It's just such a good safety net...

But there are also times where I won't do anything, and be completely satisfied with how things are in my head...where the reality of certain things is just too harsh and threatening to my personal view of myself...so much so that it's not worth it to deal with that, so I just imagine whatever the hell I want to, and just leave the real world be...

Aside from having my laziness hold me back, school and education scare the hell outta me...I've never thought I'm as smart as some people think I am (not that there are many of these people, haha)...but I'm too scared to prove them right, so I continue proving them wrong...cuz really, what does my being wrong get me? I still won't know what the hell I'm doing...and I'd just waste my life away being antisocial, but having these better marks that I'm supposedly capable of...

But then I'll have more expectations to live up to...not only those of others but also my own...and falling flat of those expectations of myself scares me so much that I can't begin to know what I'd do if I really did stop believing in that part of me that tells me I'm just an under-appreciated dumbass...

So I guess this is goodnight...and please, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 4:23 AM

And just like that, I'm done with this studying crap...

Haha...at the time I've started this post (4:44pm), it's been EXACTLY 3 hrs since my last post...and I am soooo on top of this studying business, haha...

So yeah, you'll be seeing maybe a little more of me this week than that last post would imply...so please feel free to bother me...cuz I can't read anymore of this...I will however have to be a little more selective with what I do...I can't go out all the time...despite my lack of desire to study, my not wanting to fail FAR OUTWEIGHS that desire...

So I guess I'm sayin continue to shout me...and I'll try n'holla back yoh...haha...

Peace out mah peepees, and as will continue to be the case, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 4:52 PM

Okay, I'm gonna have a mighty busy week, so there will be no posting this week...

Goin on a day trip to Buffalo on Tuesday...gonna do some shopping, and some visiting of people...I'll bring the camera, so check back in a couple days for yet another installment of stupid pictures with Herbert...

I'm heading up to London on Friday cuz my exam is on Saturday...I guess I might end up goin to Tonic on Saturday night, but we'll see bout times, places and people...if I don't go, maybe I'll just stay up there and wander London with alcohol in hand...

So essentially that leaves today, Wed and Thurs to study for this exam...that doesn't seem bad...it still makes for alot of time to go out, haha...the thing is, I quite frankly don't much feel like going out...

I haven't been out with, much less seen, some people in forever and a day...don't lecture me on their being busy and whatnot, cuz I understand and appreciate that...but still, it really doesn't take that much time to come out for one night instead of avoiding us...or hell, calling...or messaging on icq...I mean, we are your friends, and I know you're not busy enough to completely ignore us for 2 months...so yeah, I guess not being able to see some people has dulled the experience of seeing others, and thus my not wanting to see anyone right now...ooh, and the uhh...exam...and
studying...books n'stuff...err, right...

So whatever...that's my blog about that...no, I'm not still mad, cuz by now anyone who's reading this should know that more often than not, I can't be angry at people for more than a few hours...insome cases, 2 years tops, haha...but that next to never happens...hehe

So we'll see how all this "exam, day trip, up in London, to Tonic or not to Tonic" stuff plays out...either way, there'll be plenty of stupid pictures when you come back on say...next Sunday?...or I may well end up writing to avoid work...but I shouldn't be, haha...

With that, I bid you a good day...and watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 1:44 PM

I was angry...

I am no longer angry...

Now I have nothing to say...

Cept Simon's stupid for cancelling band practice...

Aside from that, nothing...

Worst post ever...

G'night...

posted by Herb 4:05 AM

I don't understand why people don't like being in pictures...

I love them, hahaha...I love taking them and I love being in them...they're just so timeless, not only in the fact that it's literally a snapshot into your day and your life...but they're just so permanent...despite whatever else happens in life, in a relationship...you always have that moment where all is well, and well is all, for all forever after...

I don't even know what I'm talking about right now...I really do feel like I've been drifting from day to day lately...it's not due to boredom as I'm sure most of you are thinking right now...but more so lately, I've just been lacking in direction...I'm so unfocused...I'm doing things, but I'm not even thinking...I'm saying things, but at times it lacks any meaning...I think I really need to go back to school...at least I have purpose there...I've got a goal, something to do...something to set my sights on...

God knows I've got nothing holding me here...there was so much potential at the beginning of summer...for fun, for someone, for anything...I'd get away from school, clear my head, find meaning in a life that's devoid of school...I could focus on what I need to do, and what I need to find out in order to keep on goin down whatever path I'm headed on...yet now I long for the comfort in knowing that I get to put that off when I go back to school...at least for a few more months...

So yeah, that went nowhere fast...but that'll be that for tonight...I need a new ending line for these entries...goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow is soooo stolen...

I was thinkin:
1) goodnight and play nice children - cuz I say that from time to time anyhow...
2) go to sleep you bums - but most of you read this at work or during the day...
3) smell ya later...smell ya later forever - but again, stolen...
4) goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow - I stole it in the first place for a reason, right?...

Suggestions anyone?

posted by Herb 4:38 AM

I just saw Dashboard Confessional on Letterman tonight...oh, I love them...they're so good...the new version of Hands Down is growing on me, but I still like the old So Impossible version better...

Moving on...y'know who has a really cool job? the host of The Thirsty Traveller on foodtv...man, this guy just travels the world and just drinks alot...he goes to wherever, and just drinks alot of whatever that region is famous for, then eats alot of the food prepared with that...err...drink...

For example, he went to Jamaica and sampled alot of dark rum...went to a couple distilleries...and then had alot of jerk chicken and a wide variety of drinks using the dark rum...and he's been to Greece and he drank a helluva lotta ouzo...and ate alot of fish and seafood...but yeah, it's a very amusing show...and it's really funny when he starts gettin a little drunk...if you see the Jamaica episode, you can tell by the end that he's just toasted outta his mind, haha...

Hmm...usually by now, I've reached some point to be insightful and introspective about...yet nothing tonight...but this post will just seem so lacking if I don't write something...I feel like I'm actually almost compelled to entertain you or give you my inane opinion on some stupid issue, just so you can get something from having spent your time here...but really, aren't I?

I think to some degree, I am...take writers for an example...you have a gift...you've been given that gift so that not only you may benefit from its use, but others may learn and grow from having spent time with your works...writers, actors, directors, comedians too...but not only entertainers...some politicians and figureheads too...you're put in a position where you have a duty to fulfill...an obligation to the public to meet...and this is something others aren't able to do, not only due to a lack of political power, but a lack of whatever it is that drove you to earn that position in life...

So I guess that's why I take this blog kinda seriously...obviously I don't presume to believe this blog has some vital importance into the workings of your everyday lives...but you do take the time to come here and read what I'm thinking...so I not only feel that I should write something half decent, I feel that I owe it to whomever may waste their time here, the opportunity to truly take a glance inside my head every now and then...but that begs the question, what'll happen when this head of mine goes empty? what indeed...what indeed...well, at this rate, I guess we'll see...

But until then...I'll think, I'll write...and you'll read...night all, and have a pleasant tomorrow...

posted by Herb 2:53 AM

Okay...so upon further consideration, I have once again decided to change the post from the night before...

I really feel the need to reiterate how important it is that you don't take everything I say here too seriously...I do mean what I say, but don't take it too literally...

Let me spell this out for you: I AM NOT SUICIDAL...nor do I have any strong inclination to end my life at any point in the foreseeable future...

This blog is truly just a forum which serves as a means to empty out my head and my frustrations...my fears...and my thoughts...

posted by Herb 2:00 AM

I just watched the coolest episode of Good Eats...what'd Alton Brown do you ask to top puff pastry and the perfect steak? he homebrewed beer! that would be too cool...next year Simon...next year...haha...

So I saw that show O.C. tonight...I guess it was pretty stupid...but it was also pretty good...I mean, it was nothing new or anything, typical kid from the wrong side of the tracks ends up in a rich neighbourhood and is exposed to the 'life'...but it was very well shot...obviously there's alot to work with out in Orange County, you could give me a video camera for a week, and I could come up with those shots, but still...it was nicely done...the acting wasn't bad, and the cast itself wasn't horrible either...so all in all, it'll warrant a viewing of the second episode...

So the main character, Ryan, ends the episode being completely alone...he doesn't have any real friends...all he has are a buncha people who he's just met, but they don't know or trust him, so essentially he's alone...now that, that is a situation that would drive me nuts...almost to the point of suicide...I have problems being alone...I know, you're thinking "REALLY? I've read your blog, and it surely indicates otherwise"...but I'm not talkin bout being alone without a girl, I mean alone with no one to do anything with...

Y'know what my greatest fear in life is? being alone...I need to be on my own sometimes, just to be away from it all...but there are also alot of times when I need you people more than anything...I just can't always tell when's when...

posted by Herb 3:38 AM

Yes, I changed last night's post...I was thinking about it, and instead of getting across that I want to spend more time with people, it seemed like I wanted to spend less time with them, haha...

So hopefully this now conveys that...

As an aside, I've put up more pics from last night at Moxie's...

posted by Herb 5:46 PM

I think I get bored entirely too easily...

Constant stimulation people...that is what I seek, and if I ain't gettin that from you, then it's time for me to saddle up and move on...

I don't know why...I just can't focus on tasks or people that take entirely too much time and effort...unless that person is being difficult, or that task is menial...in which case, I'll spend too much time and effort in an inane attempt to get what I want in the way that I want it...

I'm just kinda like that...I get bored easily, and there are little things in life that I can stand less than boredom...this summer has had its moments of boredom, but I always end up finding stuff to do...I find people to go out with...I find people to talk to...I find ways to kill the time til my next fix...I've got way too much to do before boredom catches up with me...

Take the people I spend time with for instance...seeing too much of the 'group' makes me want to go out and spend more time with other people...but now that we're not doing anything together, it's really bugging the hell outta me...I bought you all a shot glass while in Italy...but you haven't gotten em yet, why? CUZ WE'RE NEVER ALL TOGETHER!...think about it, when was the last time ALL of us got together to do something...really, I realize we're all busy with other things and people, but still...one night in the past forever really isn't too much to ask...my disdain for boredom pales in comparision to my loathing the fact that I can't remember what was the last thing we all did together...

posted by Herb 2:55 AM

Okay, you can now view all the great stupid pics I take all the time...

The link is on the right hand side...see where it says imagestation?, the login and pass are right there, so have fun kids...

And if you change anything, so help me Jebus, I'll smite you down with the full force of my fury...and by fury, I mean a 2x4...

posted by Herb 6:33 PM

Today just wasn't fun at all...it started out bad, and bad days usually even out right? well, this one stayed craptacular...but moving on...

I don't get what the big deal is with downloading music...

As I'm sure most of you know, I download alot of music...not as much as Simon used to, but still a great deal of it...and if I like an album enough, I'll go out and buy it...but frankly, if you put out a product that's not good enough to own, why should people have to buy your record? chances are, they've heard you on the radio, and they can just as easily tape it off the radio...but alot of people still do buy records...

I totally get that people and bands need to make money...but albums are still typically moving over 1 million copies...unsuccessful albums are still selling over 100,000 units...so really, you're not making as much money as you could be, but hey, at least people are interested in you and your contribution to music...and you have no problem selling out most of your shows either...

Plus, the internet is just too good at getting word out on your band...it's such an amazing forum to expose people to whatever you've gotta get out there, and it's just so effective that you can't really put a price to that kind of word-of-mouth...

Of course, when WE make it big as a band, I'm gonna take all that back and yell at you pirating bastards...I'll teach you to take away from OUR record sales...

Speaking of music, the new Dashboard Confessional album (A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar) and the new Motion City Soundtrack album (I Am The Movie) have been all I've listened to lately...off the Dashboard, try Rapid Hope Loss, and as for MCS, give The Future Freaks Me Out a spin...

"You've come to say you wanted out,
But I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself
Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance."
- Dashboard Confessional - Rapid Hope Loss

Peace out homies, and rock on...rock on...

posted by Herb 3:50 AM

I'm bored right now...and it's definitely been one of 'those' days...nothing has particularly gone wrong, but nothing's made me glad I got up either...so stupid thoughts are goin through my head...

So this is the thing...I'm really tired of being me...I really wanna just be someone else for the next month...I have no idea who I'm going to be, or what I'm going to change that's going to make me so un-me...but I'll figure it out, oh yes...I will...

Also, I think I wanna go back to my nutso unkept look...I'm gonna start growing out my hair again...prolly til Christmas or so...four months should be plenty of time to get it all nice and long...and I'll bleach it again, but maybe this time dye it an actual colour, cuz bleaching just made it kinda red-like...maybe a brown, not too dark...hazelnut maybe? sounds like a good plan...

And I've decided, I'm gonna pierce my left cartilage...how this is going to change me? I don't know...I just want to not look like me...if I could accumulate facial hair, I'd do that too...but I can't, so that'll be that...but even if I could, I don't know what I'd do with it...or maybe I'll stop shaving, and only trim...I look older with what mere stubble I can accumulate...and maybe I'll wear more hats too, despite the fact that they usually make me look like a child...I got a black modrobes visor, kinda like Heidi's, but with the logo on it insteada the name...and I want a plain white fitted baseball cap...maybe I'll just go get a nike one...simple, yet nice...

I'm just tired of being me...and I'm not gonna change the parts of me that I hate so much, cuz frankly, that'd be entirely too much effort...and spending that much effort to turn into someone I may dislike equally as much isn't worth it...so then, change of looks it is...

So all in all, I think I'll look very differently in December than I do now...long brown hair insteada short dark brown/black, earring, stubble instead of clean shaven...this will serve absolutely no purpose, but whatever...a change is a change...and I tend to like change...constant sameness tends to just spark my desire to change things...

posted by Herb 6:12 PM

I really don't have much to say tonight...

I just got back bout 45 mins ago from Elsie's place...we headed down to Plastique for her birthday along with a buncha Sy's church friends, and a bunch of her co-workers...cept stupid Simmon didn't come like he said he would...

It was weird cuz at first I thought it'd be odd hangin out with a buncha his friends without him around, but it wasn't at all...it was totally cool...and not just cuz I'm drinking again, haha...Sy's friends really are just ridiculously easy to get along with...granted I kinda know a couple of them from softball, but we've never actually spent time together and chilled and joked around...

So yeah, all in all I had a great night...I'm really glad I went...

I love to talk about taking action and doing more stuff to get myself out there, but really, it's just so hard to do...there's so much that can influence any experience you have that just putting yourself out there may not be enough...you need the right people with you, you need a good setting, you need to be in a good mood and the right mindset and so forth...

But recently, all has just been going quite well while I'm doing more stuff with Sy's friends, haha...which is kinda strange I have to admit...it's like our personalities and lives are intertwining at certain points, which is just too weird, but it's balanced out in that we're polar opposites at other times...but it certainly didn't help that Dora, Tim and Gabe kept on saying how similar the two of us are in how we act at times...

So whatever...I'm loving hangin out with them...cuz they're really a great group of people...and it means less free time to think about all that I hate thinking about...

So G'night all...and have the same pleasant tomorrow as I'll have...

posted by Herb 6:13 AM

I've always been a very strong advocate of being pro-choice...

I love that fact that people are given the right to do what they see fit...as long as you're willing to bear whatever consequences may arise, and if you're not indirectly hurting anyone, I'm all for it...

I hate being told what to do...and I hate being talked down to and being patronized...I've done pretty well without having someone yelling at me telling me what I can and can't do...cuz most people don't know me...so what gives you the right to presume to know me and judge me?? that drives me crazy when it comes to my family...

They think they know me so well cuz they know 1 or 2 of my nitpicky little habits...then they start telling everyone oh, he does this sometimes, and that's SOOOOO him...when they know NOTHING about me...

Which is something else that's so weird...how can you have known me ALL my life, yet know so little about me? I don't even understand how that's possible...seriously, anyone who's reading this probably knows me better than my family...why? because they've taken the time to get to know me...to try and understand me...

I've given them the opportunity to try and get to know me...but they seem content on sitting on the fact that they're just related to me, and that's all they need to know...my favourite colour (blue)...or band (Weezer)...you probably knew that without my having to tell you...whereas they'd just think for a sec, then give up...

Wow...that was all over the place...

Err...right...I guess all you really needed to pick out from there was that I'm very pro-choice, I hate being told what to do, and I hate it when people pretend to know me very well...

So yeah...ignore the stupid ranting...

posted by Herb 5:40 AM

Is it always a bad thing to give up?

I just finished my term paper...and I use the term 'finished' very loosely in that I'm a page short...but y'know what? I'm tired...and despite that being my fault (and Gabe's, Simon's and Ryan's), I really don't think I have anything more to say...It was a pretty specific topic, and my cognitive point of view turned into social commentary by the end of it...so that's done with...I haven't so much as given up, as much as I've recognized that I've done enough...and I've had enough...

Which isn't as often the case as some of you may think...I tend to not know when to give up, mostly until it's too late...and especially not on things like hope...my bleek outlook on what can happen in the next few years isn't caused by a general lack of hope or focus, it's more due to looming uncertainty...not a lack of hope...I'm certainly hoping for the best, and I have enough faith in my abilities to have that not be based on a false or unfounded hope...I know things will turn out fine, I just don't know how yet...and that's the unnerving part...

But at the same time, there are certain things which I should give up on...things that are not only based purely on a false hope, but also my own stubborness...but I can't find the nerve to do it...I realize full well that it'd be the right thing to do, both in terms of my own sanity and the situation itself...I should give this up and move on, but I tells ya, it's just not happening...

It's just too easy to give up just like that...I know somethings are worth fighting for and blah blah...but at the same time, aren't some things just not worth holding onto?...but just giving up is entirely too easy...and I won't do it, again, likely not until it's too late...

I've always thought that sometimes all you have are your dreams and aspirations...and what's left when you give up on those? the reality that you're a 20 year-old nobody who's going nowhere...who's so lonely that sometimes it'd just be easier to just give it all up despite wanting so desperately to just make it through til the end...and that's not goin to be me...not yet...

So yes...I am gonna keep holding on...holding on so tightly and stupidly...cuz the fall is entirely too far...

posted by Herb 5:27 AM

So I finally watched You Can Count On Me tonight with the twins...

It was a very good movie...but honestly, not alot happened...but that wasn't a bad thing at all...enough happened so that the movie progressed very well in an eventful way, and it certainly wasn't excessive...but the point was that not alot needed to happen...the movie was more so an exploration of characters and relationships...and it did that amazingly...you could understand the motivation for action...you could feel for the character...you could sympathize and relate to them...

But out of it, something interesting did come up...is love necessary in a relationship?

The central character Samantha has a guy who loves her...he truly cares for her, and he'd bend over backwards for her...he's there for her when she needs him, and she depends on him for a great deal of support...but she doesn't love him romantically...

Ivan thought she should just marry the poor bastard...cuz he's a good guy and yadda yadda...but I thought it'd just be the wrong thing to do...she doesn't love the guy, and it's not like she seems like she doesn't want to, but she simply doesn't...

She depends on him cuz he's her friend...through it all, he'll be there for her simply due to that fact...when she leans on him for help and support, she's not using him, or taking advantage of his feelings for her...she's putting her faith in a friend, and he responds because of that fact, not because he thinks that she'll cave and suddenly fall madly in love with him...

It's so easy to try and find intention behind actions and words...but if we'd just have a little more faith in our relationships with people, maybe we'd all be better for it...whether that relationship is based around marriage, romance or friendship, trust in that relationship for what it is...don't try to find things that just aren't there...

Damnit, I've really gotta get crackin on this essay...how could I only have written a single page all day??

Night all and have a pleasant tomorrow while I slave away at this...

posted by Herb 2:40 AM