Yo Yo...what's up?

It's been FOREVER since I've written anythin...wait, 5 days isn't much considering SOME PEOPLE NEVER write anything, but I suppose it's a bit much for me...

I've been absolutely swamped with work lately, I don't even have the time to sort through all the thoughts in my head, so to attempt to do so right now, completely outta nowhere, would prove to be futile...

Aight, so apparently (according to some of my psych profs), before becoming psychologists, these budding professionals often take an introspective look at themselves and perform a self-diagnosis from whatever psych discipline they've chosen...the point being that before you analyze others, you should be on firm ground as to who you are...

But really, don't we do that all the time? We pick apart who we are in order to see who we've become...in an effort to sometimes infer who we're going to be...

It's interesting though...to look inside and pick out the defining moments in your life...to really look at what's affected who you are...to try to pick through which of your choices were right, and which ones weren't...

But this isn't meant to be an exercise in self-doubt or self-loathing...it's simply supposedly mentally healthy to look inside and be aware of who you are...and to be comfortable with that self-image through that knowledge and self-discovery...

So I dunno...try it...you might be surprised in what you find...you may be smarter...stronger...more loving...and more resilient than you often give yourself credit for...

OR you may find you're a long-winded busy-body who rants and raves ENTIRELY TOO MUCH...

posted by Herb 4:10 AM

I have issues with this whole concept of destiny and hard determinism...

I think there's a place we're meant to be...that at the end of the road, we're supposed to be at a certain place at a certain time, and that'll just be that...

But that isn't to say we don't have a place and a purpose in life...it's not to say we're walking down some predetermined path set out for us...it's just a matter of getting to where we're supposed to be...and who you get there with...

All that "leave it to fate" and "if it's meant to happen, it'll happen" stuff really doesn't sit well with me...

Fate pushes you in certain directions...it allows for opportunities to be presented to you, but ultimately, you still have to will yourself down that path...you've got to choose to step through that open door...

And when you do so, you've got to go through with it whole-heartedly...you can't keep one foot outside the door...you can't start down a path expecting to jet at the first sign of trouble...take being in a relationship...I think fate can put you with someone, but leaving it up to fate to see it through is ridiculous...

You've got to try for it...you've got to put in that effort in order for something to actually be there...cuz if you're leaving it all up to fate, you're not walking down that path, you haven't even stepped through that door...you're still under the doorway trying to figure out where it will lead...

Fate can only open so many doors for you...if you're lucky enough in life to be alotted these opportunities, go for it (one at a time, ahem ahem)...cuz if you keep on passing them by, you don't know how many more doors you'll have left...and in a life so full of circumstance and uncertainty, you're not likely to get many second opportunities at the ones you've overlooked...

posted by Herb 5:07 AM

So, I went to the CAISA fashion show on Saturday night, and it was surprisingly alot of fun...it's fun seeing people you know actually participating in these things...I know I've mocked it in the past, but it really wasn't as gay as I'd thought...I saw alot of people from all over the place (people from UT, Queens, Mac, Loo all came up...apparently, they thought this was kind of a big deal??)...and I finally went to the Phoenix (one in London)...it's a pretty nice place, I've gotta say...it's just a shame there were soooooo many people in there...it was absolutely PACKED...

Anyhow, I saw alot of people I haven't seen since maybe...high school...random people here and there...some people from the pool and such...so it was fun...but upon seeing all these people whom I'd at some point considered friends, it kind of made me think of just who I consider a friend...and just what I think a friend is...

I have a friend who has a very concise definition of a friend...he and his girlfriend broke up a while ago, and he thinks it's really odd that I still call her my friend...she and I used to be kinda close and we'd talk and stuff, just not as much as he and I...it's not a question of defining loyalties to either of them, he just doesn't understand how I can call a person that I nearly never see anymore and that I only occasionally talk to, my friend...which is fair I suppose...

I guess alot of the relationships I hold with people may not be as close as they seem...that I have more acquaintances than friends...but you've got to have that balance, y'know?

I don't think you can only maintain your close friends while simply denouncing everyone else...

posted by Herb 5:10 AM

I've never been one to truly fight for things in life...

No, not cuz I'm a lazy ass...but cuz, it's hard enough to want something so bad and then be rejected when it's not attainable...but it's even harder to fight for that and set yourself up for an even greater fall...

I'm lucky to have gotten a great deal from the efforts I've put forth...but I'm still finding myself lacking in so many aspects of my life...because when something doesn't go my way, I tend to bitch and moan about it, and then move the hell on...to supposedly greener pastures...

I look back in reflection, but I don't back longingly or in regret, cuz doing so too often will break you...you've gotta look forward...you've got to keep on trucking...you've gotta live for tomorrow...

But sometimes, you've gotta realize somethings are worth that extra effort...somethings that don't go right at first are worth fighting for...

But do I want to be that guy? Do I want to be the annoying persistant guy?

Cuz at some point, the guy who's so obviously vying for your affectionates is endearing...but at some point, you want to slap him and tell him to give up...

So...I guess what I'm saying is that when you slap me...don't hit too hard, I bruise easily...

posted by Herb 5:00 AM

How do you explain the things you love? you don't explain em...cuz they don't need explanation...they don't require reason...

You just do...

There are some things in life that you love...that you'd give anything to never part with it again...and most of these things will have had some significance upon you...and it's due to that impression upon your life that you will come to love that thing...

The park where you had your first kiss...
The first song you heard after your first breakup...
The wooden toy gun he gave you when you were little, before he died...

Things have the oddest ways of falling into our hearts...

In no aspect of life can this be more easily recognized than with the people you love...whether you've known her most of your life, or for the past few months...whether she's shared the most intimate details of her life with you, or you've briefly spoken on the phone a few times...whether she's always been the "girl down the street", or you caught a fleeting glimpse of her at the club...

Whether this is love or infatuation is purely a matter of distorted rhetoric...she may not be the one for you...she may not be the love of your life...she may be the sunfish you toss back, in hopes of catching that prized bass...but so what?

That doesn't make it hurt any less...that doesn't take away from the loneliness...you pine and long for this person in the hopes that she'll one day see you as you see her...and you'll endure every gruelling minute until that moment comes to pass...

How do you explain the things you love? you don't explain em...cuz you can't...cuz words could never equate feeling...

You just do...

Even if it slowly kills you inside...

posted by Herb 3:39 AM

Apparently, a great deal of what I was trying to say in that last post was lost on you all...

So whatever...as long as it all makes sense in my head, it's all good...haha...it's like talking to myself...

I really bothers me that some people are content in half-assing your friendship...it's not like they can't talk to you anymore, they just simply don't, cuz they don't care or your well-being just isn't that high on their list of concerns...but when they need something, it's you they turn to...what kind of a friendship is that?

They bitch and complain about how people aren't the same anymore, and their friendships are fading...but what the hell are they doing? you can't take your friendships for granted, only to expect others to pick up the slack...you've gotta give em something to work with in order to expect any kind of return...

Sure, some people will ignore others for most of the year, and then they'll meet up again during the summer and be able to chill and hang out...and for alot of people, that's fine...that's how they work, and they rationalize it as a testament to the friendship they hold...

And I'm not refuting that...it does speak volumes for your relationship that you're able to do that while still genuinely caring for what's going on in the other person's life...but at the same time, doesn't that undermine your friendship too? the fact of the matter may well be that you were never that close, but being so-called "friends" was facilitated by convenience and physical closeness...

Only now do you see that your distance matches how close as friends you truly were...

posted by Herb 12:23 AM

I find it really unnerving how we're so fickle in our wants and desires...

C'mon, honestly...how many of us are truly after the same goals and ideals we sought after as teenagers (wow...saying that made me feel very old...), whether that be good or bad...things seemed simpler then, because afterall, is ignorance not bliss?

We grow up...and dreams are polluted by age and cupidity...visions are dirtied by experience and horrified by fears...convictions are effaced by the truths of the day and all they promise...

Little remains sacred and dear to us...everything is given a price, and we're simply contented when it has been paid...

Sometimes I just fear for what's to become of us...not only the people we know, but everyone...our children and theirs...how bleak can our futures get? how thin can hope be threaded before the weight of all that we're capable of breaks free to leave all we've feared?

Crimes and attrocities are committed everyday, ones that undermine the progressive and rationale nature of humanity...it's all so disheartening how people can so freely abuse and hurt others...

Yet we maintain hope...not only because some must, but because we have seen its power shine through and make a difference when we've needed it to...the strength of defeat lies in our acceptance of such a mindset...

People...humanity...will see its darker days before the light of a new day dawns...it's just a matter of how many people live to see that day...

Madrid...

posted by Herb 3:42 AM

I finally saw the Bertuzzi hit last night (I missed highlights the night before), and holy crap...that's insane...

He's a big hockey player...he's a good hockey player...he's done alot for the city of Vancouver both on and off the ice...but what he did was absolute bullshit...

You just don't do something like that on the ice...you want to hit someone, do it face to face...you don't drop someone from behind, then plant their face into the ice...

Steve Moore for his hit on Naslund should have seen some sort of discipline from the league...it was a clean hit...but it was without a doubt cheap and unnecessary...forget those players who argue that the target has something to learn for being leveled while their heads are down...that's shit...

There's no reason to go after someone like that, I don't care if their head is down, and they're not paying attention...even in such a physically brutal sport, that's ridiculous...hell, Doig should have also seen a suspension for his hit that took out Lindros...

But whatever...as unfortunate as it is that this has been done, the fact remains that it has...and now it's time for the league to step in and show its players that such malicious actions cannot be tolerated...but it won't...

What should happen? Bertuzzi should be fined at least a million dollars...and he should be suspended for the remainder of the season, the playoffs this year, and the entirety of the following season (whenever that is)...he should be charged with assault as well...

As to what will happen? I guess we'll find out tomorrow morning...

posted by Herb 4:10 PM

Yeah...this whole not writing about women thing obviously turned out to be not-writing- anything-at-all (cept for the messed up dream)...so uh, yeah, screw that...haha...

So here's the deal...I've always had an awful time saying no to people...I dance around the fact and if my subtle hints aren't realized, I end up doin what I'm told (I swear, if you use this against me, I'll kill you...I mean, I'll do what you want, but I'll kill you afterwards)...

As I'm sure you can guess, this situation is exasperated when it's a girl askin...I just can't quite say no (dust, this is where you insert random sex joke)...I've got a friend...and I liked her for a bit, she didn't feel the same way, no big deal...life goes on...

Now we occasionally talk, and we're cool n'all...it's all good...but whenever she's stumped on homework, she ends up turning to me...so I get asked for opinions and editing, which I'm fine for...I've always liked reading other people's work just cuz I actually do find it kinda fun, and it's interesting to see what your friends think about when it comes to certain issues (note, if you need me to edit something, I DO NOT DO formal mechanized writing...business cases and evaluations and lab reports are entirely too structured...I do arts writings...)

Essentially, what I'm trying to say is that I've become her work bitch...and I'm not quite liking it, but it does let me help her, which I like...it does let me delve into her pretty little head, again which I like...but I don't only want to be there for her to use and abuse...

I don't think she's quite using me, cuz we do talk about a bunch of other things...but...but still...this concerns me...but people like the helpful guy right? so even if I'm not going to BE with her, I'm still going to be a good friend right? RIGHT?

I don't know...I could just grow a backbone...

OR, I could continue being a chump...but a loveable one at that, haha...

Aw...my life makes me sad...

posted by Herb 1:19 AM

I just had one of the weirdest dreams I've had in a while...

I'll write later about what's been going on in my head lately, but for now, this crazy dream...

So it starts off with a couple of us (me, Steph, (Ivan) at Cammie's house, and we're chillin and relaxin, just talking and joking around...then Cam's mom comes down the stairs (who is white for some reason), holding a baby...but it's not hers, it's her granddaughter! it's CAM'S BABY! (it's fully asian)...sorry Cam, but it wasn't the cutest baby, hahaha

Then we're still all hangin out, but now we're all taking care of this baby too...and it's like, around 8-10 months...it's walking/stumbling around...it's barely starting to vocalize and react to words, so it's pretty fun to play with...imagine a small ringo, but in human form...haha

Being the ever so responsible mother, cam's just sitting there watching TV...Ivan's doing something somewhere, so me and Steph are left playing with this child (otherwise no one would pay attention to it)...and we're making it smile and stuff...and the night rolls along, me, Steph and Ivan have now prolly spent hours with this child (I don't remember Cam being there or doing anything though, haha)

Then, we're about to go out and Gord has showed up...so we're getting ready, and so I decide to have a smoke...the weird part is, I'm not the only one who lights up...everyone but Steph I think, lights up with me...so we're smoking in the living room, and cam's white mom comes down the stairs and looks disapprovingly AT ME only?!?

So I go outside to finish the smoke, and Cam's next door neighbour comes out...a little white girl dressed like she's gonna hit a club, and she's smoking too...so I'm about to finish, and I spit at a tree a couple feet away...so she tries the same and misses horribly...and then proceeds to go back embarrassed...

So I pull her back and we hang out for a bit as we're both trying to spit at this tree now (moreso her)...and so, she finally hits it, we hug and we get to talking...then her friend comes out to get her, so we part ways, then she comes back and asks where I'm going to school next year (apparently even in dreams, I look really young), so I tell her I'm already at Western, and she tells me she's going there too, so yeah whatever...but then we go our separate ways...

I then go back inside, and Cam, Steph, Gord, and Ivan are now putting their coats on and we're about to go out...but Cam's white mom then comes up to me and says to behave myself and watch out, cuz that girl next door who's going to university is only 15...so I'm like eewww...

Anyhow, the baby comes running/stumbling/crashing up to us...and I look at it...and you know that moment in a dream where you realize it all doesn't make sense? that Cam has a child...that she has a white mom...that her living room looks like my parents' room...and whatever weird stuff is happening...and you're adding it all up, but you can't quite come to the conclusion yet that it's not real...and just as you're about to have that epiphany, you wake up...

And that's what I did...

See? pretty messed up huh??

posted by Herb 1:43 PM

I'm definitely feeling a lull coming on with this whole writing thing...

I'm just tired of complaining and contemplating all the what-if's and all the what-might-have-been's through tired introspective rants evaluating this crazy thing we call love...

It's not really getting me down or anything, just honestly, I need to find something new to write about for (NOT a new girl), or just stop writing for a while...

I think I'm going to do a series of posts about certain little quirks and other things that many of you don't know about me...and try to deconstruct and reason out why I'm just a certain way sometimes...but I don't know, that seems awfully personal, and it may very well make me seem crazier than I really am...so we'll see what I end up writing about (if I write at all...)

So with that said, I'll now write my last love-relationship post (for the next while...)

Hope...at some point, it's nothing more than a liability...

There comes a point where you simply can't sensically maintain hope...where you finally have to let go of your dreams and romantic notions, and face up to the reality of the situation...where you've got to realize that she's never going to see you as anything more than a friend, so move your ass on...

And it's not like you're giving up...but it's the fool who continues to believe in something that will not happen anytime soon...and it's that hope that'll hinder you, it'll weigh heavily on your soul and seep into every aspect of your life...

So, with that in mind...how endearing is the guy or girl who doesn't give up on you? he or she is so adamant that you're meant to be together that they hold true to that belief and fight for their love (quick flash of Ed Bloom in Big Fish, "Sandra Templeton, I Love you and I WILL Marry you" in a field of her favourite flowers)...endearing or annoying?

If you truly do just want to be friends with this person, isn't he/she just going to drive you nuts? almost to the extent where you won't want to be friends anymore? cuz they'll always be waiting in the shadows for your relationship to fall apart, in the hopes that he'll be your picker-upper...

...remember it Adaptation at the end though? when Charlie is talking to Donald? Donald says that he loved that girl Sarah so much...that it was his to own, that love...and even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away...but can that be enough? to hold on to an unreciprocated love?

Hmm...so now I am conflicted...I had such a clear viewpoint laid out, that hope's a bitch sometimes...but now Adaptation kinda gets thrown in my face...

Oh movies...truly, what can you not teach me?

posted by Herb 1:12 PM