I think I'm coming to accept that fact that I'm a horribly immature person...

I'm definitely emotionally immature...I'm immature in how I 'deal' with things...but what disturbs me most is that I'm supposedly immature in how I view my life and the direction it's supposedly headed in...

I've come to realize that not many things are going to go my way by themselves...there are certain things that I will have to compromise in order to live my life the way I see fit...but why should these include my hopes, dreams and ideals?? Is it really immature that I don't want to be stuck in some desk job doing menial tasks for the rest of my life? Is it truly naive of me to want to do a job that both good at and happy doing?

I know it's steadily becoming a problem that I have no bloody clue what I want to do or what I want to be when I grow up...but I'm still young, and isn't that the point? these things will come with age...with wisdom...with guidance...none of which I believe I've received a great deal of...

At this point in my life, I know what I don't want to be...so inevitably, the roads I close off to myself will lead to a certain path that I will follow...a path that I will WANT to follow...until then, all I can do is wait...

...AND THAT...is what I believe should happen...and hopefully WILL happen...or am I being idealistic again??

Women however are an entirely different story...every passing day spent sitting on my ass waiting for something to happen will only result in another night spent alone...sigh...and now to go spend another night alone...

posted by Herb 1:54 AM

I'm back!!

Although I would have gladly stayed another week, I think I'm also kinda glad to be back...I had an unbelievably amazing time...and I have a great tan, haha...it's not as good as last summer's Cuba tan, but this time 80% of my skin isn't peeling off...so really, it's a good thing...

So I uh...broke the whole abstaining from alcohol thing, haha...it lasted from June 15th to June 25th...but before you yell at me and call me weak-willed and what not, hear me out...

How often am I going to go to various Italian and Spanish ports? (Napoli, Mallorca, Sicily, etc.)...I'll tell ya, not bloody often...so really, it'd be a shame if I didn't try what some refer to as the best wines in the world...

So with that in mind, I only had one glass...A SINGLE GLASS in 9 days, (we went to a nice lil restaurant who presses their own whites in their own vineyard) I'm fairly proud of myself...I also had a glass of champagne, but only because it was the birthday of a person at our table, and I didn't want to be rude...BUT, here's the thing...the original plan was to not drink for a month before august anyhow...so I rationalized with myself that it'd still be okay...which also means I can go and get plastered on monday...but I won't...

FROM NOW until AUGUST...no more alcohol...

So now that I've confessed my transgression, I really must sleep...been awake for 23 hrs now, haha...

Ciao...

posted by Herb 12:52 AM

Sad...couldn't post last night...stupid blogger went down...

I was gonna breakdown a horribly shitty and uneventful day that started on a funny note, but somehow ended up 6 feet under by the time I went to bed at 6:30 am this morning...oh, and I was gonna ask for suggestions as to better ways of dealing with things instead of driving around for hours and slowly but steadily becoming poor due to gas moneys...oh yeah, and rant bout how too many people are reading this now...but that'll be my first post when I return...

So enough of that...I'm off to ITALY, SPAIN, AND MALLORCA haha...so you'll hear from me in like, 10 days or so...

"I've got a friend, her name is Laura
We took a holiday, seven sweet days in Mallorca
We took a plane, through to southern Spain
To see the ocean wave's blue
We sat and watched the moon
As crickets sung back cover tunes
Way back in May

Seven days in the sun...yeah
She's my heaven
She's a spark
Feels like heaven
So light me up"

As soon as I found out we were stopping in mallorca, this song has been stuck in my head, but then I realized it was REALLY similar to my next couple days, which kinda freaked me out...I'll give ya a nickel if you can name that song...

Aight, I'm outt, peace out homies

posted by Herb 12:00 PM

I've been thinking alot about my 2nd idea from yesterday's post...it'd be our own private real world...it'd be cool...we could set up a series of cameras too, haha...

So I've finally started my stupid midterm...I can't believe I've spent the last hour detailing the cognitive processes and considerations necessary to prune a tree...stupid class...

I downloaded the Rooney album and the new Fountains of Wayne album last night...they're pretty good to listen to. Neither are particularly great, but both are fun enough to own...off the Rooney album, try listening to Blueside and If It Were Up To Me...off of the FoW album entitled Welcome Interstate Managers, give Stacy's Mom and Mexican Wine a listen...

I love my music...it's not only enjoyable, but I find listening to music rather therapeutic...after me, Cam and Rene went out last night and I didn't drink (day 1 down...6 weeks to go)...I had to drive for an hour listening to really loud music in order to keep from goin nuts...I really could have used a beer, but this new method of 'dealing' just wastes a great deal of gas...ugh...

But I eventually did settle...and it felt good...so I'm glad I did it...now to continue doing it...

posted by Herb 8:09 PM

I'm lucky enough to have a great, tightly-knit group of friends...but at the same time, in some ways we may be too tight...we're all so caught up in appeasing and satisfying everyone, doing things together, or not wanting to hurt or insult anyone that sometimes there isn't room for what we as individuals want...

But I guess that can be said for any group of people...family, classmates, neighbours...to some extent we all set aside our own personal wants for the needs, cohesion, and functionality of the group...which is totally necessary for there to in fact be a 'group', but aren't our own personal wants and desires important too? we can't all sacrifice for the group, cuz then we'd end up not only hating the group, but being horribly unsatisfied in terms of the things we individually want...obviously you can't have it your way all the time, and if that's what you want, you're gonna be alone...or at least maybe you should be you socially-inept fool...

I don't know...it's just a thought...please don't read into that...take it for what you will, but it's meant as nothing more than a personal insight...

Am I the only one who thinks it'd be really cool to not see eachother for an extended period of time? I know that sounds stupid, but hear me out...

Take next summer for example...(and I am talking about my 'great, tightly-knit group of friends' now...or to whoever's reading, apply this to your friends) we all went our separate ways...went off and experienced life on our own, away from the confines of group-life...say one person went away for a summer job...another went to another country for some job...another went on a 4-month trip for fun...then in august we all got together...and just talked about what happened...

Don't get me wrong, I'd miss all the great times we normally have...and all the experiences we could have had while together instead of apart...but just think of the stories we'd tell...the laughs we'd have...the insights we'd share...course it wouldn't pan out if some people just sat around here doing normal boring shit...but if it did so happen that way, I think it'd be just such an amazing time...it'd be a conversation to rival all other ones...even the rocket ship and sperm bank conversations? prolly not...but it'd be amazing in a very different way...

Again, don't read into this...I don't hate you all, haha...cuz at the same time, I think it'd be SOOOO COOOOOL if we all went to another city (somewhere in the states maybe?), rented a huge loft, all got menial low-paying jobs to pay for rent and fun, and just lived together next summer...

Bah well...now to start writing my midterm...

posted by Herb 3:00 AM

So if you'll notice the post last night, it's quite different...

I thought about it later on, and realized that it had gotten entirely too personal, and I'm just really not ready to talk bout something like that, especially not in this particular manner...

So if ya read it, forget it...and if ya didn't, well...great...

that's that for now...I'll write something later on...

posted by Herb 5:37 PM

Okay, seriously...I've got to take a break from alcohol...

I mean, I've suffered from my various shameful displays before...but this time I'm just sick of it...and myself...and how I'm always acting like a drunken jackass in front of my friends...

I've got problems...I've got to learn to deal with them...instead of drinking, or attempting to drink them away...I think since I've come back, I've been drinking fairly heavily, especially for me...I 'go out for a drink' 3 or 4 times a week, and for me...and the lot of you, that should be fairly ridiculous...considering I've been back for 1 1/2 months now...

So nothing...goin cold turkey...til, august? maybe more? wow...if I can actually accomplish this, I'll have exercised a great deal more self control than I thought I was capable of...

I know I have friends who support me and what not, but I really miss having someone who believes in me...I most certainly don't...not because everyone tells me how much of a screw up I can be, cuz I'm not that stupidly susceptible to that type of bullshit...it's just that I have a history of letting people down, making that one wrong choice, and just basically living up to all those expectations of screwing up...

It would be so easy to just be a screw up, and just go with whatever the bloody hell I end up with...that's what my family thinks is gonna happen, and to some extent, I know that's what some of my friends have been thinking...

But no...not this time...maybe this will finally be a start in the right direction...but...at the same time, realize that a lack of something to 'balance' me out may well result in my being a little on edge, moody, or depressed...so uh...watch out...

posted by Herb 11:42 PM

I didn't realize yesterday's rant was so long...so today I'll try and keep it short to balance it out...

Communication...I think as a society, we have a huge problem with this...

The communication of thoughts and feelings between people have become so censored that no one can really say what they truly need to...we all realize this, so in turn, we get so caught up in what isn't said that we fail to regard much else...

Take Moley for example...some cold-hearted nobody obviously doesn't think enough of their friendship to take the time out of her busy schedule to see him...to accept a lil gift from him nonetheless...

So what does he want to do? what any red-blooded, testosterone-driven, vindictive male would want to...he wants to cuss her out...but there's a significant difference between wanting and doing...so what does he do?

a) totally rip into her without holding anything back?
b) deal with it...you're not as close as you want to be, so hey, move on...she's obviously fine with how things are, so leave it at that...ya end up feelin like shit, but at least you're not on bad terms

obviously, I'd go with b)...if you know me, you'd know I don't much like it when people don't like me...I'd much rather they be indifferent to me...but that really leaves you with nothing, especially not your pride...

So I guess ultimately, you've got to decide what's important to you...is simply having someone in your life better than having nothing with that person??

posted by Herb 3:10 AM

So it's been kinda a slow day...

I'm still kickin myself for not goin rafting with them over the weekend, I didn't even freakin do anything...plans with Yhubby were cancelled, and I'm sure Spirit woulda done fine without me on Sunday...

which leads me to hindsight...

When I do things, I don't regret them...it's when I DON'T do things that I have serious regrets...

I've made countless erroneous decisions in my life, but when I've been proactive and said a word, committed an act, or sided with something...I don't regret a single thing, despite whatever consequences may have arisen...cuz in everything I've done, I'm sure I've learned something about myself or someone else...each opportunity taken wasn't in vain, but was, in some way or another, a valuable experience...there's no sense in lulling over what I did, cuz it's happened, I've learned (hopefully), and moved on...

BUT...when I don't do things...I just kick myself over and over again...one could argue that choosing inaction was in itself a choice, but that takes away from my point...so well, shut up...

I can't think of a single good reason why I didn't go with them...there were people I knew, people I didn't, and people I'd like to know better...they were doing something that I haven't done before, that I'd like to do...

SO WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I GO?? iunno...and what's worse? when I choose not to take action, I evidently don't learn from this mistake...I continue with that same pattern of inaction followed by regret...yet I can never find reason to my stupidity...

so I'm going to change...as you the reader are my witness, I'm going to reverse this trend and act on something when all my instincts tell me not to...

This of course will lead to:
a) my regretting an action and kicking myself for doing it and having learned absolutely nothing
or
b) something...err...good in my life??

hmm...fascinating...

and with that thought in mind, to bed I must to ponder my action...or inaction...hahaha...

tomorrow: women - when you want em to shut up, they speak up...when you want em to speak their minds, their minds are blank...dayamn, the hell do we do??

posted by Herb 3:06 AM

wow...I'm exhausted...

I woke up at 10:30 today, haha...for anyone who doesn't already know, I'm still unemployed...so 10:30 for me is really freakin early...

but I'm quite happy to say that I had a really productive day...I did alot that I set out to do...bought a gift, bought tics to the new pornographers show...went and trimmed the mop on top of my head...

went out and had a beer with Hildrey, Nat and Brandon too...I SOOOOO shoulda gone white water rafting with them...sounds like they had a great time...

I've really got nothing much to say...I'm too tired, can't think...I've been awake for all of 16 hrs now, and I'm both mentally and physically drained...

so now, to go to bed in anticipation of yet another fun-filled day of unemployment! hehe...off to the driving range while all my chump friends work, haha...

oh hey, it's past midnight, meaning it's your birthday Cam...happy birthday babe, hope ya have a good one...

so with all that said, g'night, and have a pleasant tomorrow

posted by Herb 2:39 AM

Okay, so here it goes...my first entry...

don't you hate it when you constantly doubt yourself?

I guess it's something that goes with having a problem with your level of confidence, but it's driving me insane. Everytime I think I know what I want, I think it through, and almost as soon as I've decided that I do in fact want something, I begin to question that.

you want an example you say? a girl...haha...surprise surprise...

I think I want her...but I don't know if I do anymore. Even after putting situation and circumstance aside, I find myself doubting my reasons for wanting this particular girl, so I'm ultimately left with no clue what to do.

How am I supposed to ever decide on anything if I only end up questioning myself before the opportunity for action arises?

Some people say you'll feel 'it'...and that you'll never know if it's 'it' unless you've felt it before...WELL, WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT LEAVE ME??

So what do I usually do? I avoid making decisions...

which is sadly typical of my being a libran...

ugh...

posted by Herb 12:02 AM