I don't think I'm a horribly depressed person...sure I have small personal insights on the negative state of my life and my poor personal well-being...but I could be worse...right? I'm just depressed over the fact that I'm not better...

I'm reading over the text for my Psychological Aspects of Life-Skills class, and it's talking about the things that the majority of people tend to value when evaluating their own personal happiness...note, these things are all based on correlational data collected over the years...so the subjective nature of these aspects of life are supposed to be downplayed...

Things which don't affect your happines: money, age, gender, parenthood, intelligence, physical attractiveness, and community...
- okay, I'm fairly intelligent, young, male, fairly attractive, and I live in a good environment with good people who are very important to me...and I don't have kids...so I'm liking these things, but they apparently don't factor into my happiness...so, damnit...that's 0 on the happiness meter...

Things which mildly affect your happiness: health, social activity, religion, individualistic vs collectivistic culture...
- I'm kinda healthy (bad back, asthma, bad knees), fairly sociable, but as an apparent deterrent to my gained happiness from these aspects, I am collectivistically cultured (I put an emphasis on others, not myself) and I've lost my faith in God, so I'm not religous...so in essence, -2 + 2 = still 0 happiness...

Things which DO affect your happiness: love/marriage, job contentment, personality...
- I am, as I've constantly pointed out, SO DAMNED ALONE, I hate school itself (but being at school is nice, but that factors into community), and my personal outlook is generally positive, despite a slew of recent shit going around...so let's see, that's -2 + 1 = -1!! ding ding ding...

AND THERE YA HAVE IT...I am rightfully depressed...

Bastards...

posted by Herb 2:04 AM

Alright...this is driving me bloody well insane...

Did anyone catch that new NBC show Miss Match on Friday night? I was supposed to be home studying...but I wasn't...so I decided to join my sister in a little TV-watching...and she suggested we watch Miss Match, which I held no objection to cuz I miss seeing Alicia Silverstone's gorgeous face (still one of my ALL-TIME favourites...mmm...)

Anyhow, the theme song for that song, I need to find it...BUT I CAN'T...it's a new song written specifically for the show my Macy Gray...and I want it NOW...oh, and the uh...show wasn't bad...it was significantly better than the Friends premiere and the Coupling premiere...but the ER premiere, that was pretty good...(yeah, I've been watching entirely too much TV...and it's gonna get worse...damn you TV...Damn You)

Anyhow, I love the fact that good music is becoming such an integral part of TV...I love music...and I love TV...so the 2 coming together is all the better for me...

Theme songs used to just introduce the show...but now they're more so used to hook you into the show, which I'm all for...I'm such a marketting whore...I, I am their target demographic...

And yes, I know that Macy Gray song (who I think is great by the way...I know she looks kinda nuts, and she seems kinda 'off', but she makes great hip pop...her new album is really good too) is gonna pop up soon somewhere...but NOW, I want it NOW...aaaaahhhh

If you find out what it's called, or find it...shout me...PLEASE...

Peace...and watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 2:36 AM

People worry entirely too much when I write things...

STOP WORRYING...

Let Me Write What I Want!!!

posted by Herb 5:22 AM

I really do kinda worry about myself sometimes...and no, not just the usual what the hell am I doing with my life? where am I going? who am I going there with? blah blah blah...

Am I a bad person?

Okay, we went out and we illegally procured the use of about 30 additional channels, but y'know what? I don't feel bad about it...Sy does, which makes me feel bad...in that he'd be fine without the additional channels (despite the fact that he just sat through many hours of tv with me), but I'm pretty much just sayin "here...illegal tv", without giving him much of a choice...cuz damnit, I want my tv...

I dunno...I know that it may come off badly that I'm so okay with this stealing of additional channels...but I don't care so much what anyone thinks of that fact...or what most people think of most of my actions anymore...

I've always had a clear sense of right and wrong...I may do something that's wrong, but I can recognize that it is indeed wrong, but then I can get over it...that's not to say that I can go out and kill someone, then rationalize and move on...it's just that I know what I think is right in certain situations, and I'll go as far as I believe to be within those reasonable boundries I've set for myself...I mean, so far I think I've done an alright job for myself...but there are times when I question that moral code of conduct...sometimes I know I can go a bit too far (obviously not TOO far...), and sometimes it just kinda seems that way when I'm stacked up against someone with a stricter code...so I lose perspective on the immoral aspects of my actions...that's not only to say that I always undermine the wrongful part...I can also exaggerate it...so sometimes, it's just kinda insightful when I step back and try and take an outside look into what I've done this time...

So with that thought in mind, y'know what? I could be doing alot worse...haha

Now, what else can I get for free?

posted by Herb 5:23 AM

Y'know what's funny?

That episode of The Simpsons where Lisa thinks she should choose a specific career path instead of just being good at everything...but she's having trouble doing it, and she talks about it during dinner...

Grampa: "Don't worry about it, I never chose one thing that I really wanted to do, and now I'm free to do everything I've always wanted!"

Lisa: "And what's that grampa?"

Grampa: "...die alone..."

hahahahaha...

Ahh...good times...

note: pay no attention to my growing insanity...

posted by Herb 1:25 AM

Ahh...

So remember how I said I'd never let this blog die as it serves as one of my only forums to vent about depression amongst other things? yeah...well...it's not dead...it's just not in very good shape...

Y'see, in addition to blogging due to a lack of actual people to talk to, I also did it out of boredom...I don't really have anyone to talk to still, but I've gotta say that boredom is at an all time low...

This may have to do with the fact that I've been drinking alot...both at home, and while out....drinking alone at home, you ask? it depends what you'd define as 'alone'...Sy and Tina are usually here...usually...

I don't know...I just haven't had alot to say lately...things have been busy, I've been seeing alot of people, so I don't do too much alone, y'know? which is weird, cuz when you think about it, that means I'm alone when I'm home in TO, where all of my closest friends are...hmm...that's a slightly unnerving thought...

Peace on the outside people...and watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 2:31 PM

Hooray for internet in my room!

I really didn't have anything to write about a sec ago...but I headed over to TSN, and what d'ya know, I'm good to go now...

Alex Zanardi is a race car driver who lost both his legs 2 years ago in a horrible crash...and now, he's making a one-race comeback!

Now that's passion for ya people...how can ya love something so much that you're willing to go back to the thing which almost killed you?? I don't think I'm a complete chicken, but I would never step near a race car again had that been me...but come to think about it, I really don't think I'm very passionate about anything...

It may be rather sad to say, but there are very few things in life that I would step up for and even fewer that I'd stake my life upon...I guess I just haven't found that thing in life (or that person...sigh...) that I love...what's even sadder, is that I don't know if I could ever love anything or anyone that much...to first walk away from something like that, and then go back to face that fear...

posted by Herb 4:50 PM

wow...I surprisingly haven't gone insane without writing here...

I sadly enough do miss blogging, and will be doing so once again on a regular basis soon...just not yet...but soon...possibly by next monday or so...

I really miss everyone that I haven't been able to speak to recently because of this lack of the internet...which is kinda sad, cuz hey dumbass, there's a crazy thing called the PHONE!

But yeh, I digress...I shall communicate with you all soon, and you'll be able to pry into the insanity which is me once again...c'mon, I'm sure ya wanna...who wouldn't??

Peace out mah peepees...and please, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 6:43 PM

Back at school!!

So glad...yet not at the same time though...

For weeks now, I've been welcoming this 'homecoming' or sorts with excitement and open arms...but now that I'm here, well...I'm finding it hard to relax...that may well be due to the fact that I have an exam 14 hrs from now...but still...whatever I guess, perhaps going out drinking tomorrow night will even me out and make me once again appreciate the sheer freedom and independence that is my life here in sunny Londonia...

Kinda weird how you can build somethings up to be so much, only to have them fall flat of anything you'd have hoped it could be...kinda like with women...but now is not the time, nor the place for me to reiterate past disdains for the fairer sex...

Now is the time and place for me to hit the books...this is likely the only forum any of you will have access to me from for the next couple weeks, so check early and often to get your daily doses of your friendly neighbourhood Herb...smoke up kiddies...or don't, hahaha...

Peace out children, and please, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 7:07 PM

Y'know what? I look back now, thinking that I'm so old and I grew up so fast...

Everything seems a blur at quick glance, but when I really think back on it, I had a great childhood...sure a couple more things could have gone my way, but that's how growing up works...you take what you can from it, and look forward...always forward...

I guess that's what really bugs me when I see so many kids growing up so fast...there's so much pressure to be a teenager or an adult that you completely miss out on all the great things that make being a kid so worth it...you push for that first real kiss, but you've never longed for that first playground peck...you want to cop a feel, but you haven't thought about the first time you held hands in kindergarten...

Look at all these kids being singers, models and athletes...Keshia Chante is 14...there's a 13 year old lightin up the runways in Paris...Michelle Wie is all of 13 years too...they're thrust into a life and a lifestyle that robs them of the innocence of childhood...sure, they're going to be set for life, but can you say it's worth it to have never experienced those things? She'll buy an escalade and load up on the bling bling...but that boy she liked won't have biked down the street with her after giving her a bracelet he'd made...

I love being 20...I've done so many things and experienced so much at this stage in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything else...NOT even the simplicity and innocence of childhood...but only because I've already lived through it, and I've already loved and hated it...but had I not, I'd give anything to go back to one of the easiest and least complicated times of my life...cuz despite having mixed feelings about it at the time, it was also when I was happiest...

posted by Herb 1:09 PM

Ahh...back in TO...

Montreal was so soooo great...we had a great time out there, and it was easily the highlight of my summer...the funny thing is that it was basically an amalgamation of the grade 8 trip to Montreal and the time a bunch of us went in grade 12...we went around and saw all the cool things that we saw in grade 8, but it was fun like grade 12...but alot more memorable, cuz really, we did next to nothing...

Highlights? (in no particular order)
1) a sleeping Victor and eye-liner
2) the St. Joseph Cathedral
3) 737
4) the casino
5) car rides galore

All that along with too much rap/R n'B, the shower nazi, soooo much food, Vic singing Sean Paul and spending a great long weekend with my new friends made for a great way to cap off this summer...pics will be up sometime this week when I sort through all of them (only 200ish...) and get everything all sorted out in London (settling in and stupid exam)...so actually, it might take a while...bah well, you'll see it all soon enough...

Ugh, so much to do now that it's school time...damn...I shall hopefully see you all before I go back...

But now, due to very little sleep over the past couple days, I shall hit the sack...g'night all and please, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 1:33 AM