I...I don't understand why my archives don't show...

Help me...I know you wanna...

posted by Herb 12:34 PM

I absolutely despise being sick...

So as most of you know who have seen or spoken to me within the past few days, I'm sick...sick like a fox...

Maybe I shoulda gone and gotten that flu shot huh??

At least I'm finally getting the sleep I've been deprived of lately...but y'know how when you're sick, you stop having a 'good sleep' and you just sleep? you wake up feeling as miserable as when you lay down, and the sleep just seems to prolong that dreadful feeling instead of alleviating it...I think I spent about 20 of the past 24 hours in this state of 'sleep'...I didn't want to sleep that long, and I certainly didn't want to be at home that long...but everytime I put my head down, I was out cold...

Anyhow, I'll be back on my feet in no time...at latest on Friday, so when that rolls around, you'll be seeing alot more of me again! til then, I think I'm going to go have a bowl of soup...

With that said, happy Christmas day!! ah, the holidays...what a nice time...if only it looked it outside...

So til we get a white wintery day to brighten the gray, I'll be seeing ya...

posted by Herb 10:04 AM

So the house is emptier once again...

I think I get used to company entirely too easily...but then I transition back to normalcy too slowly...

I like having extra people around...it makes me feel useful...like there's something I can do for someone...then I'm not just lazying off, haha...

But seriously, I'm pretty sure I can take of others far better than I take care of myself...I'm far better at recognizing and somewhat enforcing what others should do than what I'm supposed to be doing...but I guess that's always true...we're far better at judging others objectively...we're far better at looking at others than at ourselves in the mirror...

It's a hard thing to do, looking inside...there's too much room for nothing...and what're you left with you look inside and realize you're no more than the sum of your parts?

Camus believed that we should wake up everyday and seriously consider whether or not we should kill ourselves...but he thought this from a very positive perspective...that once you've led a satisfying worthwhile life, and there's simply nothing more to live for, then it may be time to end it all...you're not living for others...not for your health...you're without anything meaningful left to contribute to society...you're at that point where you're left with nothing more than the burden you bear upon everyone you know...that then, then it will be time to say your final goodbye...but, Camus realized that a person will never reach this point...that we're so valuable in our being progressive, rational, autonomous beings that a person could never reach such a low...

So yes, it is hard to look introspectively...for fear that you won't like what you see...or that there isn't much there to observe...but it's lines of thought like those by Camus that should make you realize that you'll never be that alone...that you'll never cease to hold value...and potential...and promise...

So g'mornin all...and don't think about killing yourself today...

...watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 5:44 AM

...right...

Let's forget all that's happened over the last couple days...it was pretty messed up and all, but it's time to move on...

There's still alot of time left to make up for whatever, with so much left to do, and so many people to do it with...

For those of you who've taken the time to read this blog every now and then, I'm sure you'll know that I'm an absolute nut about movies...not only crazy action movies, or deeply rooted artsy pics as well...and just films in general...they're such a complex artform and there's so much room to expand and explore with it...there's so much potential to go beyond simply telling a story...

With that said, in the past few days with various people, I've been able to see:
- The Matrix Revolutions
- The Last Samurai
- Return Of The King
- The Hulk (FINALLY)

Aaaahhh...sweet movie bliss...

Things left to see:
- Elf
- Kill Bill
- Big Fish
- Peter Pan
- and pretty much anything else you'd like to see, I'd more than likely go with ya...

So anyone who wants to see whatever, shout me...

mmm...movies...

As an aside, for anyone who's seen the trailer for Spiderman 2, am I the only one who thinks a fat old guy like Alfred Molina (Doc Ock) would look alot cooler and alot scarier as the main villain if he wore a shirt to hide his huge manboobs?

And, am I the only one who thinks Hellboy looks pretty cool? I guess we'll hafta see when it comes out...

posted by Herb 10:21 AM

Quitting drinking isn't the answer...that's why I'm not going to do it...

Learning not to depend on alcohol is what I need to do...learning not to get drunk ever again is what I need to do...

The bottle isn't the problem, I've demonstrated before that I can quit, but that leads to my wanting it more...to my thinking that I need it more...that dependance upon it to take all that away...that's the problem...

For now, I'll stop drinking...for the remainder of this holiday and for the next while...after that, I'll drink when I want to...not when I want to get drunk...not when I don't want to deal with whatever I need to escape from...

I'll learn to deal with those problems...and I'll learn that alcohol won't be the answer...

posted by Herb 2:27 AM

So during first year, I took my first of many psych courses...and along the way, we did a unit on sleeping and dreaming...

People suffering from insomnia sometimes report actually forgetting how to sleep...

They're still able to recognize being tired...they still show signs of it, and they truly wish to go to sleep...but they can't...some people have a routine which puts them to sleep, you get into bed, and you get in a position, you think about something to help you drift off, but these people can't do that...they simply no longer know how they were once able to go to sleep...something keeps them up...something won't let them sleep...and over time, they become used to that...

I went to bed...I've gotta wake up at 8 for a dentist appointment downtown tomorrow, so I figured I'd get a couple hours in (4...haha), but I just lay there...listening to Dashboard...I think I fell asleep for a sec...I remember listening to the 5th track end, but there seemed to be a brief lapse in time as I then heard the 8th soon after...

I...I really am quite tired...but I'll be fine tomorrow, I'll grab some coffee and all will be well once more...but, I need to sleep, don't I?

posted by Herb 6:04 AM

I uh...I'm so sorry...

I know I've been telling you lately all is fine and all is great...and for the most part, all of it is...

School is going better than ever...I live in a house that I actually like with people who are so great...

But I still can't shake this feeling...that everything is going to crumble...that everything wrong will turn out so and I'll fall back into the misery in which I'm accustomed...so I drank tonight...

I drank alot...while I fixed you a single, I fixed me a double and just drank it away...

So I was absolutely no fun tonight...I'm really not so much when I drink anymore...I tend to go overboard and just shut you all out...

So this is it...I did it for 2 months during the summer, and now it's time to cut it off for good...

Rene and Cam, I did want to meet your friends...I'm sorry I'm stupid

To all of you, I'm sorry...

posted by Herb 3:52 AM

So, we saw Return of the King last night...

And, y'know those things in life, that you'll remember seeing for the first time that you knew at that moment, they were important? granted, different things are important to different people, but I digress...

This was one of those things...it was so much more than just a movie, it was...simply amazing...this movie seemed to be one of those things that'll just be huge...not just from a sales or marketing perspective (although it will)...but, it's going to be a big deal...

Like, the turn of the millenium...in the broader scope of things, I don't think I can ever comprehend how amazing that is...like, how many people will get to experience that in their lifetime? (I know all of YOU who are reading this, and everyone you know, and their dogs...), but think about it...our kids (and by our, I don't necessarily mean mine...haha) won't ever get to experience that...we were there...

And I totally don't mean to compare Return of the King to the turning of the millenium...

But it wasn't just a movie...it wasn't just a visual spectacle...it was an important film...it was an amazing translation of a masterpiece...it brought to life words and images that for so long have been left to the imagination...it literally brought that to life...which is, well, ridiculous...people write movies all the time, people write with an expectation that their novel will be turned into a film...but this is something established and treasured by many...and to have that come to life (for the most part, aside from the bastardization of some roles) is an amazing feat in itself...

It was simply put, a great film...

posted by Herb 4:42 PM

Holy crap...I've just hit the peak of my educational performance...

I ACED THAT EXAM...I rocked it so so hard, that it'll never EVER...and I mean EVER happen again...

Wow...I'm absolutely elated about this...I really haven't been this pleased with anything school related since I first found out I'd be coming here...

This...this is what it feels like to be proud of what you've learned...I've gotta say, I like this feeling...it's so completely worth the endless hours I've spent at the library...the numerous occasions of going out and getting smashed that I've passed up...even the fact that I've essentially become a hermit...

This is a good thing...a very good thing...

and now, to finally go see Revolutions! hooray!

I'll see you all soon...

ps. happy...haha...happy...

posted by Herb 8:42 PM

Aaahh...it'll all soon come to a screeching halt...

As the eve of my last final has come and gone, and the final itself steadily approaches, I find myself in rather unfamiliar, dare I say, never before treaded territory...I find myself in really good shape for this exam...

I've never realized it more than with this class, but going to classes is really beneficial towards learning...hahaha...and it's pretty ridiculous that it's taken me this long to figure that out...

But yeah, I'm going into this thing pretty good...I'm actually rather confident about it...not cocky, but fairly confident that it'll go quite well...

Then before ya know it, this'll all be over...

ohh heppy...heppy heppy deh...

posted by Herb 5:06 AM

I find it really sad I've become such a nerd...

Last Wednesday, I studied like mad at home, then wrote an exam between 7-9...then went back to Taylor (library) at studied til midnight...

And after studying at Weldon (big library) til 2 last night...I went back at 2 today, studied til my exam, wrote from 7-9...THEN went back to Weldon!

WHO...WHO does that? I'm such a nerd...

But pretty soon, all this will be over, and we'll be goin out and havin fun again!

Aaahhh...I can't wait for next Tuesday to roll around...til then, back to the books...

posted by Herb 3:10 AM

Today had to have been the laziest of days...

Don't you just hate those days where you don't even want to get up? you just want to read another page, and you just want to sit and do nothing...

Well, that's how I felt...

And it's not just today...or just during exams...I've a great many days where I just lie in bed debating whether or not to go to school...being the chump that I am, I usually lose and go to school...

The worst thing about days like this is eating...you SOOOOO desperately don't want to bother cooking...it's days like this where I just want to go down next door and get a sub...but then I'm too lazy...ugh...the dangers of laziness...

I know I've said I like cooking and such...but it's just too much effort...it serves as the greatest of distractions...but sometimes, the effort is just not worth it...

I've gotta learn to do with food what I camel does with water...then I can just skip more meals!

posted by Herb 3:01 AM

Aaaahhhh....

Philosophy of Death...

At many times during this past semester, you have proven to be quite the worthy and deadly foe...

Tonight, our battle shall come to an end, and I can only hope to vanquish thee...

Should that desire be for naught, I shall succumb to your power...

For having gained knowledge of your ways, I may ironically wish to kill myself...

Wish Me Luck!

posted by Herb 4:52 PM

Must...sleep...

Always so very tired...

This is getting fairly ridiculous...my normal hours now:
go to sleep: 6-10am
wake-up: 1-4pm

That's just not right...I can't seem to sleep earlier, I just lie awake...which leads to thinking too much, which as you should know by now, is NEVER a good thing for me to do...

Then I eventually wake up and make my way to the library to study...I end up drifting in and out of sleep for a little while, then read and make notes for a bit...then space out and start drawing...then read some more...then I write down weird movie ideas and lyrics (I've written the lyrics to like, 3 songs in the past couple of study sessions...now all I need is the music and a song will be born...Simon?)...then more studying...then I start singing songs in my head...at least I hope they're in my head...then another round of studying...but yeah, it's all so horribly unproductive (study-wise)...only like, 6 of the 8 hrs I spent at the library today were productive...that's just dumb...

Funny story today though:
Sleep-toots have to be one of the funniest things EVER...(sleep-toot: farts made by people while asleep)...not by me, well I hope I don't do it while I drift off sometimes...but yeah, this huge brown guy was passed out in a booth on the other side of the room...and for about 1/2 an hour, every 2-3 mins he'd let out a loud high-pitched squeek, hahaha...

Oh look! it's bedtime! hooray!! mmm...sleepy...

G'morning kiddies...don't be like me, and have a productive day! watch yer step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 5:54 AM

It's a hard thing to do to set your priorities straight...

Different people expect very different things from you...and in the same way, you expect certain things of yourself that may greatly differ from what others want for you or expect of you...so it's always a hard thing to do to find a good balance so as to not let yourself down, but to also not let others down as well...

Y'know what's the hardest thing though? unwillingly putting things ahead of people and then having them agree with your decision...I mean, it's good that they understand n'all...but it doesn't change the fact that you know you're letting them down or possibly even hurting them...and in knowing that, I almost want them to be mad at me...to reflect back on me all the frustrations I feel towards myself...

But I am glad that you understand...and I thank you for that understanding...

I've tried pretty hard at times not to let you all down...my friends, my family...and I've tried not to let myself down too...I don't think I've always done the best job, but I hope you all know that I have tried...and I'll continue to try...

Goodbye...

posted by Herb 5:06 AM

Yes...well, now that the rage has subsided...

It did an old episode of Conan tonight...and I've heard this before, but Mick Foley went over it again on the show...

So the theory goes like this...that the 100-acre wood must be a pretty messed up place to live...consider its residents...

Winnie the Pooh: classic eating disorder
Owl: elitist intellectual
Tigger: attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and apparent dyslexia
Rabbit: anal retentive neat freak
Piglet: worrying manic-depressive
Eeyore: blantant homosexual

hahahaha...oh, the theories people come up with for tv...

Tony Bourdain's convinced Gilligan secretly purposely kept the gang on the island so he could maintain his position as 'the man'...my pop culture prof thinks that the Lion King has underlying nazi influences and is basically a facist manifesto...

Why can't entertainment just be entertainment anymore?

posted by Herb 3:13 AM

I really hate it when people fucking worry about me...

Y'know what? I'm going to be fine on my own...and if you don't know that about me by now, it's time to re-think how well you know me...

So I get stressed, everyone does...so I've got alot to deal with, who doesn't? I tend to get by just fine though...don't think I don't appreciate your concern for my well-being, I truly and greatly do...but if you're actually worried about me, do it on your own damned time and leave me the hell alone...

I don't need to know that shit...if you're worried about me, I've obviously got problems that I need to fucking deal with...the last thing I need is to add you stressing about me to that list of things...

I've done a great deal of things over the years to warrant your concern...I know that, and I'd be lying to myself if I tried to convince myself of otherwise...but y'know what? you didn't believe I'd get out of high-school alright, and I did...you didn't think I'd enter a good university, but again, I did...so fuck off already and give me a little credit for all I've done right and stop being disappointed in everything more I could have done and everything I have yet to do...

How the hell can I be happy with myself and proud of what I've become when so many people around me continually knock me for who I am and all I'm trying to be? when every action and everything I do is second-guessed and questioned?

I don't need this bullshit...especially not from the people I'm supposed to be gaining faith in to help and support me...people I should lean on and go to when I need to...I don't need you to tell me how much of a fuck-up you think I am, cuz frankly, it's just pushing me further away...if you think bitching me out is supposed to bring me closer to you, you need to seriously consider rethinking the situation...

...and seriously, the further you push me, the more comfortable I'm going to be at that distance...I don't want to be so far from you, but the more you push me, the less likely it'll be that I'm going to try and stay close...and we're both going to be sorry when you finally push me too far away from you...

posted by Herb 7:10 PM

I really like doing things with my hands...

I made a huge vat of chili tonight from scratch, and I thought it was really fun...I think it tastes pretty good on its own, or with a small dollop of sour cream and some grated cheddar...but yeah, it was really fun...I think I like cooking generally, but it's just more fun when it comes to making things from scratch...

It's just so rewarding seeing something come together from your work and effort...something concrete and finite...like when I was little, I used to play with Lego for HOURS...hell, I still build things when I'm bored sometimes...

You'd think this mindset would apply to my doing work...you'd be wrong...haha...iunno, school work just seems to lack that same type of personal fulfillment...maybe cuz you're not truly doing it for yourself, but for the marks...y'see what I mean? there seems to be no intrinsic value in it...that isn't to say you don't feel rewarded for taking pride in doing work well...that's a topic better left for another day...

The topic I'm heading to is what people like to do...

I mean, we all have our personal preferences on what we consider fun and rewarding...whether it be going out and getting plastered with friends, sitting at home and playing computer games, laying on your bed while reading a book, lounging about and watching the tele, or doing endless amounts of laundry...that's what makes you happy, that's what YOU want to do...

If someone doesn't want to do what you want to, then find someone else to do it with...go ahead and be annoyed that they don't want to spend time with you...be hurt that you seem to be lower on their list of priorities...but don't judge them based on what they want to do...

Who the fuck do you think you are to do that? if a guy wants to stay inside to play computer games instead of going out with you, who the hell are you to call him a loser for not wanting to hear your stupid voice?

All I'm saying is, let people spend time however which way they wish to...

posted by Herb 3:54 AM

Women are fucked up...

So, I was riding the bus home this afternoon...and there were these 2 chicks talkin, I was sitting beside one and the other was on the other side...okay, so far all is fairly normal...cept they keep on talking (ridiculously loudly, and the bus hasn't even started yet) and I slowly gain the impression that they're not only unfortunate looking, but rather unintelligent, manly, feeling completely free to openly express how hairy their legs have gotten, hockey playing chicks...so whatever, that's them and their being so offends me in no way...I just try my best not to pay attention and sit...

then one (the less ugly of the 2...Ivan, if she were a 3, her friend would be a 1 1/2, but I digress...) starts talkin about how she's been meaning to dump her boyfriend (YOU have a boyfriend?) for a couple of months now (I think she said about 1/2 a year...what the fuck??), but she's been keeping him around as a fuck-buddy until she finds someone new (yeah, good luck uggo), but instead of setting her straight, her friend proceeds to sympathize with her...saying that she should only take such action when she feels it's "the right time"...she then seriously (she stupidly enough meant all this) suggested that it'd also be the right thing to do to let him go before new years...but not for his sake, SO THAT SHE DOESN'T CARRY ANY EXCESS BAGGAGE INTO THE NEW YEAR!!

AAAAHHH...so by now, I'm freakin goin nuts here...sitting there, staring off into nowhere...clenching my teeth...trying...so...hard...to...contain...THOUGHTS OF KILLING DUMB WHORES...

But out of nowhere, the black guy across from me (sitting next to the whore with the boytoy) turns to them and very calmly and collectedly says, and I quote, "You stupid whore-bitch, (it was funny, I don't think I've ever heard anyone slur together whore and bitch to form a single word...say it aloud, it sounds funny, but in a good way) you should be ashamed of your dumb bitch-ass, you and your igna'ant ass friend"

hahahahahahahaha...

me and the 5-7 people around who were forced to endure that conversation Broke Down Laughing...I think I started to tear up...I then reached my stop, but I was sooooo tempted to stay on and see where it all went...

Ah...dumb people amuse me greatly...

posted by Herb 3:57 PM

So I finished an essay in an hour...and did lots of other random things like go to people's pages, read dumb things, play some freecell, and talk to other late-night procrastinators...

So time to start the 2nd essay, hahaha...

But first, a little inspiration:

The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet yer bottom dollar that tomorrow,
There'll be sun

Just thinkin about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow,
Til there's none

When I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely
I just stick out my chin and grin and say

The sun'll come out tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya tomorrow
You're always a day away

...ah, I don't know why I find that song so comforting...it's just so innocent and filled with so much hope...

Then there's Yellow Brick Road from the Wizard of OZ...don't even get me started on that...

Bye now...and please, watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 6:12 AM

Sometimes, I think I give myself too much credit and really forget how much of a dumbass I am...

So yeah, I lost my cell for about 2 hrs today...I'm dumb...

The whole time though, I was angry at myself...but I still thought that as long as someone else found it, I'd be good...there's that unwavering faith in people again...the problem was, I thought I'd dropped it in the street, so I really though it was gone, and thus, angry at myself...

But all was well...someone found it!! and took it to the front desk at the library where I was working! ah, the goodness in people wins again...

So kind stranger whoever you are, I thank you...for the phone, AND for reaffirming my faith in people...Hooray!

Now...to do my 2 essays, haha...

posted by Herb 4:33 AM

I have a certain faith in people...that they'll do the right thing...that there's an inherent good in people that ultimately can't be denied...why do I think this? I don't quite know...I guess I think I almost have to...I've seen alot of bad things, and I think that if I'd let that all get to me, I'd become a jaded and disillusioned pessimist...

So this has little to do with my general outlook on people...but I've come to accept the fact that some things just won't end up happening...we all have such grand and elaborate plans not only for ourselves, but for others as well...and more often than not, these plans can, but won't be carried out...I don't just mean the more important things in life like success and happiness...I'm more so speaking of the little things we mean to do in the here and now...

What am I talkin about you ask? This coming summer (2K4)...all of our big plans of going to exotic places far away and doing crazy and wild things together...IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN...some people tell you they'll do this and that, and make time for you here and there, but when it comes down to it, sometimes friends just have to be given a lower priority...and I totally understand that...it's just something I've got to get used to, and something I've got to start doing...

I think I depend on you all entirely too much...and I think I've put you all before a great deal of other things and people, including myself...and at times I think I've become so lost in my identity as your friend that I find it difficult to separate myself from that person and know what I want for me...my voice no longer has the credibility it used to, it's simply been subsumed as little more than background noise to your conversation and debate...

So no, as much as I'd like for crazy adventures to happen this summer in different parts of the world, it's not going to happen...people will be occupied...people will find jobs...people won't be able to decide what the hell to do, and where the hell to do it all...all resulting in people ultimately bailing on all we wanted to do...so I'm sorry if this sounds like my faith in you all is waning...it's not, but my faith in our planning abilities and our abilities to hold to those aforementioned plans certainly is...

posted by Herb 12:59 AM