I can't believe the group of "us" has known eachother for over 10 years now...

We've known eachother for about 1/2 our lives...I think that's just so amazing...

So rarely do people stay together and develop into such a tightly knit group...especially upon meeting at such a young age...growing up, I'd always heard that the closest relationships I would build would be the ones I'd make in university...and although I've developed a few very close friends, they really just can't compare to 'us'

I guess it really does help that we've been fortunate enough to live so close to eachother for all these years, with no one really moving that far away (and with some people living DECEPTIVELY far away, hahahhaha)...but think of all the people we've come to know over the years, yet so few have come to enter our group...

You'll note that I've termed us as a group...as opposed to a clan or a clique...cuz really, I don't think we're that difficult when it comes to letting people in...I think we're rather good at it in fact, it just takes getting to know us...and in some cases, tolerate us...

So yeah, we've all said it a million times...that we're such a great group of friends...and in many ways, we're closer to eachother than some family members and yadda yadda...this post isn't to reflect that sentiment...it's moreso to reflect on the time that's passed since we met...

A decade...(and between some people, longer...)

So at least a decade...makes ya feel...old...doesn't it?

posted by Herb 5:52 AM

Am I the only one who finds the majority of piercings done these days REALLY gross??

I mean, do whatever the hell you want to your body...I could care less...all I'm saying, is that I find alot of them really ugly...

nose rings? don't like em...a stud's better, but still...no...
eyebrow? no...
tongue? no...
lower lip? no...

A navel ring however? nice...so, SO very nice...I'm not quite sure why...there's just something really sexy bout a girl with a navel ring (provided she has a nice mid-drift)...

and ears? I find it really ugly how some people are sticking huge things into their earlobes to make em look big...it's just...gross...but anything else is fine...actually, I like a girl with a cartilege ring...I think it looks pretty neat...

speaking of which...I still wanna pierce my left cartilege (for the last...8 years now?)...but the majority of people still say I can't pull it off...I don't want to put anything fruity on...I just want a simple ring there...

I think I can do it...

Scatt got one a while ago...it looks fine...

posted by Herb 5:35 AM

It's a very weird thing reading through someone's blog...

I've read through mine (selected parts of it anyway), and I'd hate for people to think that's all there is to me...there's a great deal more to me than the stupid things I contemplate and write about sometimes...

But with those writings, do come a certain degree of substance...the very fact that I'm writing these things and not speaking more about them has to lend to some part of me...perhaps one that I'm not too comfortable with...but that's just in my writing...

Alot of others' writings may very well reflect who they are...and serve as a very good representation of what that person is really like...there could very well be alot more...and hopefully not alot less...

So yes, gauging people based upon their writings may not be the smartest thing to do...but it's odd...when it's all you've got on them, it's hard not to ignore them right? it's hard to not believe that you've got some kind of insider-information on that person...so much so that you start to think you know them better than you actually do...so much so that you're willing to say or do more than you should, based completely on that false sense of security...and an image you've only read about, but never quite experienced and known...

What I guess I'm saying is...be careful what you think you know about people...you may not be all I've made you out to be...

And I may not be who you think I am...

posted by Herb 2:01 AM

Still having trouble sleeping...

I got into bed around 3 last night...I stopped staring at the clock at around 4 (had to put my glasses on to see the clock, haha)...I ended up popping a pill and dozing off sometime after 4:30, I'm guessin...

My mind's been all over the place lately...emotionally and mentally...my mind has been racing all over the place, I'll be thinking about 1 class, and it'll jump to another class, then it'll jump to what I have to do that night, then to the leaf game...it won't do that over a while though, what I just described will have happened in about, 5 mins...I can't focus...

Emotionally too...I'll be happy one second, then I'll feel like shite, then I'll desperately want to hear someone's voice, then I'll want to plop down in my bean bag and just stare outside alone...it might be the sleep...

My writing has been pretty random too lately...can't focus in class...I'll be taking notes, then a lyric will pop into my head, and I'll jot that down...alot of neat lines have come up here and there, but I can't focus long enough to pen anything complete...it's really quite annoying...

I think I might go up to Kingston to see people during slack week, anyone up for it? ...don't forget, MY slack week runs the 20th to the 29th...

I think I'm gonna cut down on writing over the next couple weeks...too much work to do...but we'll see what comes up...be good til then, and watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 11:59 PM

...and, the insomnia is back...I'd love a good cup of coffee right now, that'd put me out...

Where the bloody hell are my sleeping pills??

Anyhow, so here's what I was thinkin while attempting to sleep for the past 4 hours...

It's odd how much of a difference someone makes when you like them...her simply being somewhere can make you want to go...her great smile can justify your having woken up that day...and only minutes ago, you could have been miserable...and just so ready to hate the day coming...

Am I the only one who's slightly irked by this?

That some people can have such power over you...over your entire outlook...over your mood...over your thoughts...I guess it's things like that which make crushes and relationships so exciting...it's like a drug...you know doing so much of it can't be good for you, but you can't help doing more cuz it just makes you feel so good...you're so afraid you're going to get burned, but you can't help but try and see how long you can hold your hand over the flame...

But at the same time, you can't always think like that...you can't expect to eventually get burned after you play with this particular flame...or you'll never be able to put all of yourself into it...you'll hold back, and just put forth enough effort to get you in that relationship...but not necessarily enough to maintain it...and that's the kinda thinking that'll kill ya...

You've got to learn to let go...and just have faith in a relationship...and in another person...

Have I learned to do that yet?

posted by Herb 6:55 AM

What would you rather do? have control over the people who like you? or have control over the people you like?

...I dunno...I was talkin with a friend of mine the other day, and she's in a bind right now, and she's been thinkin of that, so she wanted to know what I thought...

I really don't quite see the problem here...I'd choose to control who I like...

It'd be awful to choose who liked you...you're basically forcing them to like you, and whatever should happen in this forced relationship would only have been a result of your control...she doesn't really like you...she could in all likelihood hate you...

Whereas in controlling who you liked, it'd avoid a great deal of heartache and pain...you know someone doesn't like you back, so then you could will yourself to not like that individual anymore...

But hey, that's just what I think...but that's why you're here, isn't it? to dig into my head...so just watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 2:54 AM

I haven't really had a goodnight in quite a while...

Things go wrong...people don't show...plans break down...

But tonight, tonight was a really good night...

Everything really unfolded quite well and I've gotta say, I'm pretty happy with things at this moment...

Things longterm are still quite the blur...a great deal has yet to present itself before I can take advantage of whatever opportunity may arise from occasion...

But short term's lookin okay right now, dare I say, quite well...

I should get some lyrics down in the next couple days...and contrast to previous ones, haha...this should be amusing...

Still...music must accompany lyrics for songs to be born...

posted by Herb 4:43 AM

Pure coincidence: I just saw the new HP digital images commercial, music in it: The Cure's Pictures of You...Jan 21st's song of the moment: The Cure's Pictures of You...ooohhh...creepy...

Moving on...

I'm slowly beginning to find solace in returning home...

I'm still going to hate dealing with my parents and their questions...their so many questions...which I realize are out of concern, but still...I just don't want to have to deal with that everytime I see them...

But I guess it's to be expected whenever I go back...

I do love London...I can get away from most of the stresses that I actually feel in life...here, all I truly have to deal with is the school, which I'm more than fine with...

But luckily when I go home, I mainly go out, haha...which I do fully realize is a privilege...one which I abuse to its fullest extent...so I am looking forward to going home this weekend to see some poeple and spend some time with em...it should be good...it'll be therapeutic..

It'll be a calm before the coming storm...

posted by Herb 7:17 AM

Aight...here it is...

I'm horribly unhappy...I'm fully contented: I'm in good health, I have great friends and family, I'm provided for...but the fact remains, I'm horribly alone and unhappy...

I know you can't understand why that is...that I can be so alone amongst so many people...but there it is...there's someone or something that I'm missing...whether that be a girl, a straight-forward purpose in life, God...I don't know...but it's there...

But despite that, I'm ever as hopeful that it will be found...I don't know when and where...or how...but it will...

And that...that is the difference between me now and when I started writing all these so many months ago...I sometimes sit and read things I've written...and realize that despite how much more concerned some of you are for me, I've grown a great deal from when I started writing...I've grown since September...as I've grown so much since I started university...in much the same way that I've grown a great deal from being the immature ass that I was in highschool...

And it is in that same respect that I know I'll grow out of this...

So no, this will not be another depressing post (despite how it started)...I know that my day in the sun will come again, and until that dawning, I'll sit and contemplate this time in my aimless darkness...ever so hopeful that a brighter day is on its way...

In Annie's Tomorrow...the tomorrow she refers to...it's not someone coming to adopt her that she loves...she's literally talking about THE NEXT DAY...it's literally Tomorrow that she loves...cuz whatever shit has gone down today...whatever trash is still bringin you down from yesterday...there WILL ALWAYS BE A Tomorrow...there'll always be another day to brighten your life...

So never when reading all the horrible things I've said, and have yet to say...don't ever forget that I still have that hope in me...so don't worry (not too much anyhow...), I really am okay...and I really will be fine...

And until that new day dawns, I will sit and I will write more...to contemplate my day...and in anticipation of the next...there will be more of these posts, and more various lyrics scattered here and there...

See? told you I could write a non-depressing post...so with that in mind, I now sleep to a new day dawning...so goodnight...and smile while you watch your step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 5:59 AM

So apparently, I'm making this thing ENTIRELY too depressing lately...haha...

I dunno...it just hasn't been the best of weeks...there isn't much to talk about...just alot goin through my head lately I guess...

Bah well, no matter...

So I finally got around to seeing Finding Nemo last night...and I've gotta say, it's an excellent little movie...I don't quite think it was the BEST Disney movie (hmm...Monsters Inc.?), but still, quite the entertaining film...

Speaking of good movies, we're watching the Big Sleep tomorrow in popculture class! and next week, we're watching the Big Lebowski!, hahaha...what a great class...

I really enjoy seeing a good movie...I'd enjoy it a little more with someone to watch it with (haha...nevermind), but still...I think I enjoy film a great deal more than most other artforms...okay, not music, but moreso than artwork and dance...

The ability to put forth something...and detail it with so much emotion and thought...it's so easy for such important elements to be Lost In Translation (haha...)

Speaking of which, I think I'll go see it again next week...I really enjoyed that movie...then I'll go see Kill Bill too! FINALLY...everything's finally falling into place cuz I'm gonna go see ELF tomorrow too, yeah!

I'm almost giddy with excitement...almost...

posted by Herb 2:24 AM

Aaahh...back to daily updates...

I find it increasingly disconcerting that my romantic prospects are dwindling...

I mean...there are people I like...but they don't like me back, haha...which is absolutely awful (see: "lyrics" of any song I write)...and then there are the people who like me, that I have absolutely no interest in...and then there are the really good girl friends where there is no liking going either way, but under the right circumstances (cough-booze-substances-cough) we could be together rather than apart...(I kid, I kid...)

The thing is, the people I've gone out with...and the people I think (THINK) would go out with me if I just asked...I'm not sure I want to go out with them anymore...whether it's knowing too much or too little about them...or having known them too long...or other such complications...there's just no spark anymore...and desire to go out with them? kinda waning, I've gotta say...

So I don't know what to do anymore...I certainly don't know what I want anymore...I've seen people...a couple for up to 2-3 weeks...but beyond that, there hasn't been anything in any way serious for a long time...but I don't want to just fool around and go through people anymore...

Well, I know I don't want to be alone...but I don't know how long I want to be "not alone" for...these, these are the sorts of things that present a problem...namely, that I'm A Retard...

I hate being on my own...I hate not having that type of someone to depend on...I hate not having someone depend on me...I hate that people would rather be alone than be with me...I hate that I'm that same way sometimes...I hate that I can't realize how special some people are...I hate that some people won't give me the time of day...basically, I'm growing to hate being single more and more...

I've been in this lull of wanting to not be single for a long time now, but I don't want to just go out with anyone...that's what I've done, it's not making me feel much better...I can't really remember enjoying this single life anymore...is this me wanting to settle down for a while? or me simply not wanting to be alone anymore...

I've gotta figure this out...cuz really, it's breaking me down inside...it really is...

posted by Herb 2:49 AM

It's odd how even the smallest things we do can be open to so much interpretation...

Last night, I was finishing doing some dishes, and I was really hot (there were alot of dishes...and alot of hot water), so after I finished, I'd already turned the light off and was about to go upstairs, when I saw that it was snowing again...so I decided to look outside for a sec at how nice and calm everything was outside...and cuz I was still hot, and being next to the cold window would help...so I'm just sitting there...staring out into lightly falling snow, when Simon walks down...and yes, it must have seemed just a little creepy...so he laughed...and well, yeah...

The point is...things we do appear differently to people...people read into intention and motivation...sometimes we read too much into things, at other times, we're blind to what's truly going on...but where do we draw that line? how do we know what to see? how do we know what we know?

So Jackie came over the other night and she was talkin to me and Tina...and then the two of them started to talk about one of their friends who likes another one of their friends (gossip...that's all they do...gossip, and talk about boys...at this time, I pretty much tuned-out), and they were talkin about how he acts differently around her, so they figured he must like her...and I suggested that they were reading too much into it...although it's possible that he does like her, who knows? he could be acting differently cuz he hates her...

What I've taken ever so long to get at is this: the differences in action and conversation of people to one another is likely nothing...I'm sure all of us have acted in some way or another that could have hinted at something...but it doesn't always mean something...

It's very easy to find something amongst nothing...

posted by Herb 3:57 AM

Wow...I've been in a terrible mood lately...but for good reason...

Reasons I will not go into now...I still don't quite want to talk about it yet, but know that there will be rants...horribly long and depressing rants (much like the previous on on the 12th)...

Moving on...

I think I'm becoming very antisocial...I was supposed to go out at least 3 times over the past 2 weeks with various people here and there...yet nothing...I told them I would go...but then I bailed at the last minute...

I just haven't felt like going out and doing stuff lately...it may have a little to do with this self-imposed drinking limit (never more than 2 a night...ever again), it kinda puts a dim light on any celebratory activities...it may have to do with my particularly bad mood at times...but...

I just feel like I have to be doing work...that's right...WORK...what do I do? I sit and home and read books and essays and other various course material...I don't so much mind it either...it almost feels kinda good being responsible and whatnot...

But I really do miss people too...so I don't know, something has to give...but it's lookin like it's my social life that has to go...

However, if you do wish to see me...I've got an excellent new toy to play with! just find me on MSN...mmm, webcamy-goodness...

Other than that, I guess I'll see ya when I see ya...

posted by Herb 1:54 PM

So apparently I'm destined to failure...

I know I constantly fuck up...but now, other people are failing me...not only in failing to meet my expectations of them...but they're also directly contributing towards MY failing...

So fuck this...what am I supposed to do??

So much for some form of direction in life...so much for pointing myself in some meaningful direction...so much for so much more...

I'm getting tired of this...I'm getting tired of trying...I'm getting tired of wanting...I'm just getting tired of everything...

At some point, you're not longer admirable in your pursuits...you've become a dreamer...you want more for yourself than was meant for you...and is there really something wrong in recognizing that? in becoming realistic and finally seeing that you're not only a fuckup, but everyone you know is a fuckup?? and thus, anything you don't screw up, they'll do it for you??

I just...I don't want to do this anymore...not any of it...

posted by Herb 11:28 PM

Ah, so back at school...

I really fail to understand why some people hate going back to school...sure the holidays were great, ya saw alot of people you haven't seen in forever, ya met some really cool people, ya did alot of things...but it's something you've got to do, y'know? I know ya wouldn't rather be doing something else, considering the consequences...but still, there are somethings in life that you simply have to accept...things that you simply have to do in order to eventually get to where you want to be...

So school is one of those things...and as much as I hate it, I'm going to get into this honours program...I really don't want to...and I'm not doing this to delay from having to face getting a job...nor I am in no way doing this for the sake of my family and their sanity...and I am certainly not doing it to prolong anyone's convenience (and it's ridiculously selfish that you'd even ask me to...this is MY life)...

This is something that I feel I should really do...why? no idea...is an honours degree in psych really gonna get me so much more than a BA in it?? no, not really...

It just seems like another necessary thing I've gotta live through in order to continue down wherever the hell I'm going...why? again, no clue...maybe it's to prove to myself I'm not as dumb as you all think I am...maybe because I'm not so ready to give up this phase in my life...

All I know is, I'm walking down this road blind...I can't see the end of it and hell, I can't see that far in front of me either...so it might just make sense to drive just a bit slower...

But in the meantime, I've really gotta start figuring this all out...there's a very, and I mean VERY large part of me that's still doubting where all this is going...there's still a big part of me that needs to be filled with something...and with that something, will hopefully come the certainty I'll need to see this all through...

We should all have that someone or something that motivates us...to push us that much further...to make us actually want to be something more than the sum of our parts...to be that much better...to show us where to go, and to guide us along the way...and damnit, I've gotta find that...and alot sooner than I'd like to believe...

posted by Herb 2:58 AM