SOOO random from the previous post...just too many thoughts floating around right now...

do any of you people actually pay attention to the songs and lyrics I post??

posted by Herb 2:09 AM

It makes me really happy to meet new people...especially NICE new people, haha...

There's just something so rewarding and fulfilling about meeting new people...it's great that I have really tight circles of friends, but at times, I really do think we've become too involved with and dependant upon eachother...

At the same time however, I hate drifting from really close friends...despite how we can be too close sometimes...

I mean, there comes a point where some people become like family to you...and through no fault of your own (yours or theirs), you start to drift apart...and I hate the fact that I can no longer talk to certain people about certain things...that we rarely see eachother, and we so rarely just spend the time to hang out and catch up...

And it's not that we can't do these things...like, with some people you can just sit down at any time and have a great talk...we can still do that, and I don't think we'll ever reach a point where we simply won't be able to identify with eachother...I just hate the fact that we're so rarely afforded that opportunity...

So I guess what I'm saying is, to everyone that I don't say this nearly enough to (cuz I never see you): I miss you alot, and I wish we could spend more time together (which apparently can't happen this weekend, boo...but we will, I dunno when, but we will....)

And to the people I've now met (FINALLY...I was serious when I said your work seemed interesting...kinda, haha), and to people I've known for next to forever (yeah, all YOU people)...

CHEERS

posted by Herb 2:06 AM

Ah, the first blog of slack week...

You'd think I'd use it to stupidly ramble about my fun week so far, and the funness yet to transpire, but no...it's time once again to ramble about my favourite topic...women and relationships! haha...I can be such a woman...

Alright, so here it is...now, some of you are obviously going to disagree with this (so comment about it!!)...

It does suck to be alone...you're left waiting for that person to come along who's going to set everything in motion...who's going to set it all right for you...you do what you can til then, you get by...but you know there will be someone, at least you should hold an unwavering faith that there will be someone...

But what's the scary part? having someone...having all your dreams actually be embodied in another person...why? cuz once you've finally gotten what you want, you have something worthwhile to lose...

Every insecurity you hold is magnified ten-fold...everything you've ever wanted for yourself suddenly becomes secondary...and you want that...you're happy with it...and you'd do anything to keep that...

So what do you do about it? you can't live out a relationship scared shitless of losing it...or you'll never be able to give it your all...you'll constantly wonder if this'll be your last walk together...if this kiss will be the last one you share...if tomorrow, she'll come to the realization that this isn't what she wants anymore...

It's all about believing in people...in this case, it'll be about believing in her...that everything you feel means something...that whatever time you've had together was worthwhile...and you'll have done your part...and afterall, that's all you can do...

posted by Herb 10:19 PM

Each day that passes convinces me more that my self-diagnosis of bi-polar disorder and/or major depressive disorder may very well be correct (I'm sure I've demonstrated symptoms/episodes here and there...plus they're highly comorbid)...

I really do think I could benefit from the use of some anti-depressants like prozac and zoloft...mmm...druggy goodness...

This isn't really the 'good/normal' post that's supposed to balance out the prceeding one (a la bi-polar-ness)...but it's significantly better...that isn't to say I'm feeling much better, but it's weighing less heavily...it's hurting less (again, symptomatic of the bi-polar)...

...whatever...and now, I need to like...sleep...

Another happy day at the library will soon dawn!

hoo-freakin-rah...

note: these posts will likely be deleted by the time the weekend rolls around...

posted by Herb 5:24 AM

So if you're one of the few people who come here regularly, you've noticed that I've posted alot of things lately that have been deleted (even more than you imagine, I'm sure...probably totalling about 8-10 in the past few days)

So here's the thing...I've been horribly depressed lately...

It's not even the school...I've made my peace with that, it's just a series of steps more than anything else at this point...I'm just going through the motions, and I'm not even complaining about it anymore...it just has to be done...it's not that I'm a hermit...it's not just the loneliness...

No, I've been spiraling down for a while now, and it all just came about face in the past few days...it's just that, nothing has meaning anymore...thoughts used to have basis in reason...actions used to have purpose...nothing seems to mean anything right now, everything seems so useless, unimportant, and worthless...

And you just can't go by feeling this way...it'll kill ya...and it's killing me...bearing the weight of nothingness burdens the soul worse than all the pains of the world...

I've been trying to wrap my head around it, and I've come up with absolutely nothing...it's not that I don't have that meaning anymore, it's that I can't even see it...I can't feel it...and it's gotten to the point where I just don't believe it's there anymore...that all this is for nothing...

That life is pointless...and that literally broke me...

And fuck you if you think this is just over some girl...if you can't see how disheartened and lost I am, then fuck you and forget you...I don't need to know what you've got to say...I don't need you...

Sure she's with someone else that is likely making her happier than I could...but don't you get it? it's not that I'm not the one making her happy...it's that I can't make her happy...that even if he weren't there, I just don't believe in myself...or anything anymore...what is there to believe in? people? love? hope?...I've believed blindly in these things for long enough...all I've gotten from these things are stupid ideals and empty dreams...

This has always been here...this emptiness...this purposelessness...but for a brief moment, I had something else to stare at instead of the gaping void...I had a single bright and brilliant star shining in this empty sky...but it simply shone out of place...it didn't fill that void, it didn't eliminate the darkness, it just stood in my line of sight...and now without it there, it's darker than ever...

So go ahead...tell me I'm missing something...tell me I've overlooked something...

Otherwise tell me I'm right...

posted by Herb 3:46 AM

Alright...SUPER busy this week, so this may very well be the only update you'll see from me over the next few days...so it's gonna be long...I'll write 3 posts, just so the one isn't hyper long...

School has been insane lately...and as I've said, school has shot up my list of priorities to very near the top (top 3? maybe?...wow, that's a marked improvement, haha)...so obviously, this leaves very little time for other things...

I couldn't balance school and fun before...so fun always won out...I'd go out, come home, coffee it up to sober up, then start (and stay up all night) writing a paper, then go in the next day to hand it in...it's the way things had gone for the first 2 years of university, and I was fine with it (aside from the crappy marks)...cuz frankly, I didn't care too much...

But now that the importance of school has finally been drilled into my head (it only took...how many years??), I once again can't balance things...marks are higher by a fair margin, which I'm very pleased with...a trend, I'm GOING to continue...but fun is almost none-existant...I very occasionally go out, and only if I have no work to do...I simply don't have time for people...

WHICH is going to be a major problem...

Friends I have...good ones...ones I hardly see, but they're there and I can count on em if I need em (and you CAN ALWAYS count on me if you need me...to hell with work)...I still meet alot of people (moreso in class...and while studying with people), so that part of social life is still okay...a relationship on the other hand, would be hard...VERY HARD...things have been good lately...no, I'm not in a relationship, but should something like that come up...I don't know what I'd do...I don't have time for anyone, and I don't know if I could make that time (despite the many MANY months I've been bitching for someone to come into my life and drag me out of my depressing hole)...

Balance...

It's something I've never been very good at...maybe it's something I'll learn (if and when I'm with someone)...but as it stands, I fear for my marks...to find that ability to balance would be great...to have someone in my life would be AMAZING...but I really can't take away from the time being put into those marks...learning to find that balance would take time, and the inevitable bumps to those marks would happen along the way...something I can't let happen...

So I don't know...I don't know if I can afford to have someone in my life...and with that uncertainty, I don't know if I'd like to have someone in my life (WHAT??, you say...) but I don't want a situation to come up where I'd have to choose school over you...cuz I'll do it...in a heartbeat...I'd end up depressed as hell again, but I'll do it...despite how happy I know you'd make me, and despite how great things could very well be...

posted by Herb 3:54 AM

I think I'm a fairly clean and hygenic person (our house is kinda messy at times, but for the most part...)

And I don't have many things that truly bug me, but people who don't flush toilets and wash their hands drive me NUTS...it's soooooo disgusting...

Walking into a public washroom, going up to a urinal, and seeing a pool of dark yellow piss (and this is DARK yellow...undoubtedly the result of multiple persons not flushing) instead of clear toilet water makes me sooo mad, first of all, it's disgusting to see...secondly, it stinks up the freakin washroom...I don't wanna pee in that...it's gross...so I end up flushing my urinal, pissin, re-flushing and then flushing all other pee-filled urinals before washing my hands and leaving...cleanliness people, it wouldn't kill ya...

posted by Herb 3:52 AM

I love sports...particularly hockey...I'll give it up to do my work, or to go out...but nonetheless, it's really just so calming and relaxing to sit back with a beer, and watch the leafs play a good game...it's alot better when we win, but even if we lose but played a hard exciting game, I'll (for the most part) be okay with it...

So it really saddens me to think that there will be no hockey next year...I don't think it'll be as bad as some people have been saying (that the lockout will last for maybe 2 years?), but I'm pretty sure next season will AT LEAST be shortened, if it's played at all...

Granted the players/owners/reps/media have to say what their told to say (by the owners and the union), I honestly do believe that they are indeed very far apart in terms of principles and a simple understanding of the other side's position...if Bettman really is pushing for a hard salary cap (like Goodenow and the union is saying, and like Bettman is adamantly denying), I'm sure it's going to be pretty long til we see another NHL game...31 mil is a bit low considering the insane amounts players are making (which is also too high...Detroit has more money tied up in their goaltending than I think Nashville (??) has for their entire line-up), I think 35-37 mil or so would be a more likely figure...

All these things they're thinking of doing to change the game however, might be kind of interesting...I don't like some of them, but ideas like enlargening the net and playing 2 full minutes in the power play, even if a goal is scored, sound like they could make for a more exciting game...

However they end up working this out, I just hope it's soon...by last September, I was already missing hockey alot, haha, and it'd only been gone for 3 months...I'd go nuts if we were left with only Bobby Hull's WHL to watch for 2 years...

More on hockey...I don't believe Gretzky, the media, or what the GM's of Phoenix and Philly have been saying...I'm almost certain that Sean Burke is already once again a Flyer (despite Bobby Clarke having said a couple months ago that Burke would never again be a Flyer as long as he's GM)...I fully expect the deal to be announced Monday or latest, Tuesday...I don't much like Comrie, but for Burke?...fair enough...he's young, has a big upside, and will only get better...Philly though...with Burke and Esche...Philly just got ALOT better...DAMN...when they get their D healthy again, they're going to be REALLY good...

posted by Herb 3:50 AM

You know what I hate?

That extended nap...that one where you sleep just long enough to be even more tired when you suddenly startle awake...that one where you haven't yet cycled into REM for the first time...that nap where you know you've been asleep simply from the time displacement, yet it wouldn't matter if it'd been for 15 mins or 2 hrs, cuz you've only slept, yet not rested...

This insomnia thing...it's becoming a problem...when I've got things I mean to do...when I'm expected to be somewhere...

...But I'm just so tired...

And as the sun will soon dawn, all these things will suddenly be here...and I'll either sleep through them, or doggedly daze by them...either way, I'll have missed out on having lived and experienced them...

...And I'll continue to just be so tired...

I'm going to write a book entitled Confessions of the Sleep-Deprived...

posted by Herb 7:02 AM

I was talkin with a friend the other day, and the concept of loyalty came up...

Specifically, where loyalties lie within a friendship...what were we talkin bout? the issue of what the "enemies" of your friends are to you...

You obviously have a duty to your friend...where you respect her opinion enough to assume she has wisely chosen who and who not to associate with (after all, she chose me, haha)...so with that in mind, there has to be "something" wrong with this enemy-girl of hers...does that particular reason matter? is it enough that she has been wronged by this individual? and in turn, enough in itself to warrant your not associating with this particular person?

But you've also got a duty to yourself...to allow for your opinion to matter...to allow yourself to formulate that opinion in the first place...because despite whatever relationship you have with your friend, you owe it to yourself to get to know this person...

And really, you owe it to her as well...to learn what she's about...to learn what she's like...and above all else, you owe her the opportunity to make her case...

So whatever...if this girl ends up being the bitch my friend says she is, then I guess I'll find that out...the point is, I'll have learned that for myself, not simply having gone by the spiteful words of a bitchy friend (hahahaha...you're a bitch sometimes, you know it...)

I've said my piece...now to sleep I must...

Watch yer step on the way outt...

posted by Herb 4:30 AM

I've been awake for about 33 hrs now...

I've gone longer, but I'm still pretty tired, so I'm not even going to try writing anything right now...instead, I'm going to post this:

"My Dad was quoted once as saying, "It's easy to make decisions, once you know what your values are." That speaks volumes about what's gone wrong with the company.

But I also believe that our identity, as I've described, has been compromised by many factors: the addition of unrelated assets which live by different value systems; the perception that, in the absence of ideas, the road to success is to cut, slowly and cruelly, back on everyone and everything that once made us successful, no longer giving our guests value for money; the shifting moral grounds that this conglomeration of companies has created. Try this one: "The Walt Disney Company's ABC Presents the Victoria's Secret Lingerie Show." I'm not making that up, in case you wondered.

We need to remember that the product itself is important, not just the selling of a "brand" name."

It's taken from an interview with Roy E. Disney, the last relative of the late Walt Disney, who back in November cited a conflict of interest in resigning his positions as Chairman of the Feature Animation Division and as Vice Chairman of the Board of Directors...I think it's an excellent quote...and I think that it takes alot for him to come right out and admit that they really screwed everything up over there...

And suddenly, The Lion King 1 1/2 makes sense...

posted by Herb 12:04 AM

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love...


...and be loved in return"

- The Moulin Rouge

posted by Herb 2:59 AM

Wow, it's an absolutely great night outside...

It's not very cold (bordering on warm, in my opinion), there's a slight breeze whistling through the air, and everything's pretty quiet and calm...

There's a psych term we discussed in first year referring to the fact that some peoples' moods are significantly more affected by the weather than others...

I've always believed myself subject to this after having learned of it...some days, the only thing really keeping me from snapping is looking outside the window...

So what kind of weather do I prefer? I'm sure some of you know this, but my favourite weather condition is when it's lightly raining outside while the sun is still out...

There's just something about cool rainfall against a warm sunny day...fleeting clouds cast sparsely across a sunlit day...the shadows of clouds accentuating the brilliant beams of light shining through...it's all just so calming and soothing...

So here's a suggestion, the next time you're feeling down with nowhere to turn, try taking a glance outside and see if you can't find solace in your surroundings...

posted by Herb 1:35 AM

Few things about political correctness bug me...

I realize most of us are used to what are horribly insensitive terms (or at least ones which may be construed as such)...but somethings are just getting ridiculous...

I've got a dozen other examples from individuals and rhetoric which I could rant about, but I'm going to direct this towards film...

Why was the Kingpin (from Daredevil) a big black guy?? I'll agree that he was perfect for the part...he played a great huge evil mean guy...but in the comics, HE WAS A HUGE WHITE GUY...I'm not meaning for it to sound like Michael Clarke Duncan shouldn't have been allowed to play the part, but C'MON...ya didn't see them trying to cast Matt Murdock as a black guy...and suddenly, with all this focus of ethnic diversity, Elektra is suddenly not Asian anymore?? instead, ya bring in the flavour of the month??

Daredevil isn't even what this post is directed at...cuz whatever, I could care less that they made a crappy movie with a huge black guy and a white girl insteada a huge white guy and an asian chick...

My qualm is with the new Superman movie...y'know who was going to play Lois Lane??

BEYONCE KNOWLES!!...

At least Michael Clarke Duncan and Jennifer Garner could act...but now freakin Beyonce?? Am I the only one who sees a serious flaw in this? if ya don't see what I mean, refer to Foxxy Cleopatra in Goldmember...

THIS...this bugs me horribly...and if she gets this role, I'm gonna be seriously pissed...

posted by Herb 12:41 AM

Self-determination...slowly...waning...

So I was supposed to stay home all weekend and finish up my studyin for my midterm on Thurs...yeh, that plan fell through...

I've worked and read, and I'll easily finish by Tuesday latest...but still, I was supposed to be finished by tonight...but whatever...it'll be done, and more important things will be moved on to...

So I rarely see people anymore, and it's not that I don't WANT to see people...and it's not that I've become anti-social...it's just, that with this newfound responsibility to school, it just seems so much more important...and it's pretty ridiculous that this is all finally dawning on me now...I used to chill, then freak out the night before, haha...so whatever, I'll see y'all soon...it's just that right now, I've gotta do this freakin work...

Do I flirt too much? I'm just extra nice to girls, it's not like I can treat em as guys...and it's not necessarily 'flirting'...and it's certainly not on purpose (not lately...well...with a single exception)...and with girls I don't really know, it's worse...but that's normal right? ya want to make a nice impression...but I don't want it to seem like I flirt with EVERYONE...then what'll girls I actually flirt with think? that I'm just a flirt with every girl and not just her, and then she'll back off...ugh, women...why're ya so complicated to deal with? we should just be blunt and tell people what's up...

But we can't do that anymore...it's not like when we were kids and passed notes to eachother...with a list of names, and she just circled who she liked...and that was your 'girlfriend' of the week or whatever (yeah, me and my friends were dumb when we were really little)...I just can't read people anymore...it used to come so easy, and I think I used to be fairly good at it...but iunno, recent mishaps and mistakes have questioned those abilities...

So whatever, if I pass you a note with a list of names...you know what to do...CIRCLE ME!

posted by Herb 6:09 PM